I am hopeful that after the BCP are gone, I will never have to take them again. They make me nauseous, bloated and my boobs are huge, swollen and sore. Too much? Sorry...it's just true.
***
On a non-infertility topic...
I was walking down a hallway in a business complex this afternoon with Rob. When we got near the door we wanted to enter, I saw a woman I used to know. She was a member of my family at one time, but hasn't been for what seems like more than a lifetime.
It's been years since I have seen her, talked to her, been in her life...and it was my choosing. To protect myself, I chose to close the door and enter into a new chapter of life. All those years ago I found myself all too often struggling through my days and my nights. I found myself angry too often and hurt even more. I knew things could never go back to how they were...death can't be undone.
Eventually, all the nightmares and all the panic dissipated and only reappear on rare occasion. Usually, I am prepared and can stop all of it. But there are times, I am completely unprepared for what I am about to encounter.
Today was one of those times.
I was completely unprepared. So unprepared I turned and nearly tripped over myself as I ran the opposite direction. Luckily, I was with Rob...luckily Rob knows me just about better than anyone...no words were needed. He knew who she was. He knew why I needed to run. He knew why I was shaking. I don't know how he always knows me so well, but I guess that's all part of why life happens the way it does.
It bothers me that I am still so hurt and so raw to certain people in life after so many years. I love deeply...even people that have hurt me. I find myself wanting to be angry, but instead I just feel broken hearted. (I can't even bring myself to have negative feelings about ex-boyfriends...I still love 'em. I never had a relationship end on bad terms, so why not continue the friendship that was the base of the relationship in the first place?)
I have thought about my encounter all afternoon. I still think about Kyle and the accident every single day. I still think about Kyle's family on occasion...mostly around the holidays, his birthday, the anniversary of his death and days like today. I no longer yearn to be apart of his family...I know it's pointless and have long since understood my place. I don't understand it, but I get it.
Although I am no longer in love with Kyle, I do love him. The love I have for him now is incredibly different than the love we shared together on this Earth for the six short years we spent here together. I still shudder when I think about the fall, his lifeless, bruising body and the decisions I had to make that night. I still struggle with heights and with any head injury that may possibly happen to my family...even if the chance is slight...or completely ridiculous. I can't help myself.
I seem to have anxiety over the dumbest plausible accidents, but I can't help myself. I can feel the Earth shattering under my feet at the thought...yet when they happen, I seem to transfer into work mode and become the me I am at work- calm and in control of the situation. No room for anxiety at work. It seems odd to me that it's different, but it's good that it is.
The one thing I haven't done in a very long time is wish it never happened. When I have made the mistake if of wishing it never happened, I find myself unable to think beyond that thought. I wish we had never rappelled. I wish he would have used two carabiners. I wish I never suggested we go that night. I wish he still smiled at me with those bright blue eyes. I wish I knew what my life would be like. I wish, I wish, I wish...I can't get any further...
Everything I have accomplished. The people I have met. The love I know. The places I have been. The independence I crave. The successes and the failures...I owe it all to the experiences that have made my life my own.
Wishing it all to go back to how it was would immediately remove all the happiness I have in life. I'm sure I would be happy in that life, but I would not be able to choose one over the other. The thought of losing what I have made into a life is unbearable.
It makes all the bad puzzle pieces in my life, along with the good ones too...the ones that define who I am...seem much more important. I have an amazing life. I have had amazing trials and I have had amazing success.
Today made my heart break for the family I lost...but renewed my sense of gratitude for what I have now. I am so blessed in this life. It may not be the blessings I would ask the Lord for, but I know he loves me, and I believe with all my heart everything happens for a reason.
4 comments:
You are so brave and so strong. You never cease to amaze me and of course bring tears to my eyes. You humble me and make me so geatful for what I have, especially you. I love you.
Randi-I can't even begin to tell you how brave, courageous and strong you are. You are amazing to me. You humble me and make me want to be better. Thank you for being willing to share all that is in your heart with us. I am grateful to call you a friend! Much love to you. You are always in my thoughts and prayers :)
P.S....I will say it again...I really think you should write a book! You could help so many people with your experiences and your courage.
Your strength is so inspiring!
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