This & That

We've been patiently waiting since our appointment (more than a week ago) to be contacted with information ref: our cardiology appointment.  I finally got fed up and called the Perinatologist's office yesterday to ask what the hold-up was.  The lady who answered said it could take another week or so to be contacted.  Not for our appointment...just to be contacted about the appointment.  I asked her if she could tell me who we would be referred to, but she didn't know.

I did some reading on-line and asked around on Facebook...then called Arizona Pediatric Cardiology Consultants (APCC) at PCH. I was able to speak with a very nice woman who took all my information and the Perinatlogist's information.  She said she would call to have my records sent over and reviewed. Once they are reviewed, she can schedule me for the appointment.  She was so nice and so understanding.

I am thinking we will be switching Perinatologists if the waiting games continue with other issues.  We are still NOT freaking out about the unknown, but there is no reason to screw around with something that has the potential to be life or death.

******

Last weekend Richelle and Anthony made their way out of town to celebrate Anthony's birthday.  We kept the boys for them last year, so she asked me months ago (long before bed rest) if I would keep them again.  I, of course, jumped at the opportunity to keep my favorite little boys for more than a few hours.

(My first ankle swelling...19 wks)

When this whole bed rest and lots of pain happened, Richelle offered to ask my parents (or someone else) to keep the boys since I was going to be down and out.  I told her they would be fine...they are all self-sufficient for the most part at 11, 8 and 5 years old.  It's not like the need me to carry them around or anything...they just need to be kept from killing each other or themselves.  Plus, Mike would be home all weekend, so they would be fine.

Richelle and Anthony dropped them off on Friday night in time to eat the pizza I had delivered for our dinner.  Friday was uneventful, but boy did they wake up early on Saturday.  These boys are sleepers, but not without black-out drapes we learned.  When we heard them giggling before 7am, we almost died.  Jake came and got into bed with us and laid perfectly still (as long as he was touching me).  The other boys stayed in their room until 8am.

I was in quite a bit of pain, so Mike got up, closed the bedroom door and headed downstairs with all three boys.  A while later, Derek brought me a tray with breakfast in bed.  Mike made pancakes and eggs for everyone...and had mine delivered.

I ate and then slept a bit longer.  I was in quite a bit of pain...sleeping was the only way I didn't want to kill myself.  Every time I moved...the pain spiked.  I had been having this new pain since Wednesday.  It got worse on Thursday, but I read that pain similar to what I thought I was feeling was most likely ligaments or other items inside my body stretching.  Blip doubled in size over the last two weeks, so that made sense to me. Plus, I have to add my ovary issue to the confined space Blip is trying grow in.

On Friday, the pain was worse than Thursday, but I blew it off...and spent most of the day in bed.  By Saturday, the pain was much more intense and clearly it had gotten worse and wasn't going away.

Carsen had gone to Wet N' Wild with some friends, so Mike took the other boys with him to get his hair cut.  I was still sleeping off and on...trying to decide if I "needed" to go to the ER (again).  I have a high pain tolerance, so I hate that the pain was bothering me.  But since it was...the ER was in the back of mind for a long time.

Carlys called to see how things were going.  I explained what I was feeling and she and my dad agreed that I should make the ER trip.  Ugh.  Because I have a few different complications...and I am high risk, it just isn't worth it to tough it out.  I knew they were right, so I got a hold of Mike to see when he'd be home.  He was walking in the door, so I didn't need my dad to come get me.  I arranged with Carlys to meet us at the hospital and take the boys home for a few hours while we were at the ER.

We picked up Carsen on our way down 67th Avenue, went through the drive-thru at McDonald's to grab the boys some lunch and then headed to the ER.  My parents were there waiting...they loaded the three boys into their car and were off.

I signed in, but was told I may need to go up to OB.  I guess at 20+ weeks, they won't see me in the ER any longer.  I was (accurately) 19 weeks 3 days, so they kept me downstairs.  I was glad.  For some reason going up to the floor made me very anxious...too soon for all that.  I was taken back quickly, and they got started on a urine sample, blood work and an ultrasound.  It all took longer than "normal", so I was sure something was wrong.

The doctor finally came in and told me everything looked okay.  They had no idea what the pain was I was experiencing, but it could definitely be ligament stretching.  I felt like a total wuss, but I know it's better to be safe than sorry...especially since there are already issues.

(19 weeks pregnant)

After we left, we picked up the boys and headed home.

 

On Sunday morning, the boys slept in a bit later.  I got up with the boys and went downstairs to the couch.  They watched the dumbest cartoons...and I wished I didn't have to be stuck on the couch watching with them.  After an hour or two, I went back upstairs...and Mike got up and went downstairs.  I climbed back up in the bed and slept...before I knew it, Mike came back up with breakfast for me...this time it was blueberry pancakes and eggs...with the blueberry syrup I've been craving. 

My pain was the same on Sunday, so I stayed in bed instead of on the couch for the majority of the day/evening.  It hurt to sit straight up, so I figured laying down would be more comfortable.  We need a recliner...or something else for me to sit it.  Too bad there is nowhere to put one.  Oh well.

Mike took care of the boys...they swam and watched movies.  I finally came downstairs and we watched The Lion King together.  All four boys wrestled for the longest time.  It was so funny to watch the three little ones gang up on Mike.  Jake found a pair of rubber gloves that were blue and WAY too big for him.  He thought they were great...he wore them while they wrestled.  When it was time for dinner, we decided it would be okay to venture out.  My pain was still there, but everyone was bored, so I thought it would be nice to get out for a little bit.  We all enjoyed Red Robin...especially the chocolate milk shake and steak fries with ranch.

Mike was so great about running Derek back and forth to care for the dogs at Richelle's house.  He made keeping the boys possible...and kept the boys entertained.  I am so thankful to him for letting my sister and her husband have their annual September weekend trip...even if our life is a little hectic right now.  I know they will return the favor when we are ready to have a weekend without Blip.  I love those little boys more than life.  I can't wait until my own little boy gets here...he's going to be so much fun.

******

On Monday, Mike and I drove to Tucson to see my brother-in-law Kurt (Kyle's brother) and his amazing wife Anna...and their two super cute boys, Marshall and Jess. They moved since we saw them last...and we just love their new house!! It is in Catalina...up on a hillside. The views are breathtaking...even at night!! We were able to sit on their patio in the cool weather and just be together...it was just what I needed.

When Kurt and Anna were first married, they lived in a condo in Gilbert. Anna (a painter...an artist) painted this amazing orange wall. When I heard her talk about this orange wall...I thought she was nuts. Until I saw it for myself. It was one of the most beautiful colors I've ever seen.  I have never felt the same was about orange. I was sad when they left their condo to move to Tucson, but of course Anna made that house just as unique and beautiful. In this new house, she painted one of the walls orange...and I loved it!! It brought back so many fun memories of that life.

I wish we were better about making time to visit Kurt and Anna more often. I love them so much...and they make me feel like I am still a Brown, but without the hurt. They have always treated me like family...and I am so thankful they are in my life still.

a Level II & a Perinatologist

Today Mike and I had our Level 2 ultrasound and a consultation with a high risk doctor.  I have been feeling anxious about this ultrasound, but don't know why.  I love having ultrasounds...even though they leave me feeling very uncomfortable from all the pushing and prodding on my ovaries, but I love to see Blip.


We arrived a few minute early, and I completed all the paperwork.  After a short wait, we were taken back by the ultrasound chick.  She was very nice, blond...from Iowa.  She happily showed us all of Blip's parts...he was moving a lot, so it took some time to get all of the measurements she needed.  I asked some specific questions about the heart (which clearly had all four chambers) and she was able to give me generic answers.  She showed us both kidneys, the diaphragm, the spine, etc.  We were able to see both of the baby's feet and hands...and all ten fingers and ten toes.


When she finished, she told me to wipe the jelly off my belly and she would be right back.  I knew we were still going to consult with the doctor, but I thought it was strange to wait in the ultrasound room.  After a few minutes, I was going to pee my pants (yes...literally), so I told Mike I couldn't wait any longer.  I went to the bathroom and came back...no doctor and no ultrasound chick.  Mike was nearly asleep in his chair, but that just made me jealous.


We waited for about 25 minutes in that room before the tech came back.  She led us across the office to Dr. H's office and said goodbye.  I was nervous by this point...what took so long?


Dr. H introduced himself and had us sit down.  He reminded me of Bill Cosby (looks, not sense of humor necessarily), but with James Earl Jones' voice (I love both those men).  He was so calming...I wanted to hug him.  He told us he had a few things he needed to discuss with us.  


First, my hyper-stimulated ovaries.  They are still too big...the right being the biggest.  It is still 7.5 cm.  Which means they have not come down in size for many, many weeks. He said there are definitely scenarios worse than mine (if they were over 10 cm, for example), but we still need to monitor mine closely.  They can  still twist or flip.  We also learned today that the size of my ovaries can affect the baby's growth.  If the ovaries cause the baby to stop growing (because there is no more room for him to grow), they will need to take the baby early to prevent issues for both of us. We didn't even discuss the current state of discomfort I am in just about all the time.


Next, we talked about my thyroid disorder.  I have an auto-immune disorder called Hashimoto's Disease...long story short, my thyroid is killing itself...causing me to have hypo-thyroidism.  I see my Endocrinologist often (every four weeks while pregnant), I'm on synthetic thyroid replacement meds and have blood drawn every time to monitor my levels.  My levels have been normal so far...which I was only worried about in the beginning because it can harm the baby's brain development.  Dr. H's concern was the fact that hypo-thyroidism is also a contributor to pre-term labor.


That's two contributors so far. Awesome.


After we discussed that issue, we moved on to the baby...and his issues.  I was surprised to hear there were "concerns" about my son.  I knew it was coming after the long wait, but I still didn't want to hear it.  I just wanted everything to be perfect...so we could continue living on Cloud 9 (I can get over my own issues...who even cares about ovaries?).


He started by telling us they found several calcium spots on the baby's heart.  Not just one...several.  Dr. H went on to say that calcium spots are a "soft marker" for Down Syndrome.  We have a 1:1800 chance of the baby having Downs.  If we chose to do an amnio (which we are not) the chances of losing the pregnancy are 9x higher that we'd miscarry over the baby actually having Downs.  The Amnio is not 100% accurate and it wouldn't change our choice anyway...so what's the point?  The risk is too high for no reason.


The second issue with the baby that they found is called "persistent right umbilical vein".  I'm sure I had a blank look on my face when Dr. H said that because I had NO idea what he was talking about.  He explained it to us...and I'm pretty sure my look didn't change much.  Basically, the baby's umbilical cord has issues.  I've read a few things about it today, but still don't understand it completely.  I do understand this: If this condition did not accompany any other anomalies, it would most likely be a non-issue.  However, it accompanies the issues with heart that appear to be present...and lucky us- cardiac issues are one of the issues known to cause this specific issue with the umbilical cord.


Another thing the doctor mentioned was that so far all the baby's organs have developed normally (as far they can tell).  The issue with the umbilical cord can also cause the organs to stop developing and growing as they are supposed to.  This would obviously cause a huge problem for Blip.


This all brings us to another issue the doctor was very concerned about ref: the baby's heart...my dad and my oldest sister both have a genetic heart defect called an Aortic Stenosis.  My dad had a mechanical valve placed in his heart in 1988.  Robyn had surgery to repair her valve when she was 14 and then she had another procedure I can't remember the name of about 15 years ago.  Their lives have been altered by this defect, but it isn't a fatal diagnosis.  One concern of the calcium spots (plural) can mean a tissue defect in the heart muscle...causing concern.  Because there is a genetic defect in my family history it raises more flags.  It doesn't mean the baby has that specific defect...it could have a number of different defects.  That's just one possibility.  Or the baby's heart could be fine.


We are being referred out to a fetal cardiologist, but don't have an appointment yet.  We will know more after we see that specialist and he is able to look at the baby's heart more closely.


Until then, we just get to pray everything is okay with Blip.


The doctor seemed fairly certain I will deliver earlier than 40 weeks if one or all of these issues continue.  I have an appointment with my Thyroid doc on Friday, so my levels will be checked again.  I think Dr. H was going to contact him ref: my issues...he asked for his contact info, so I will ask on Friday.


I will need to be seen every four weeks for now...and then every two weeks when the doctor determines that it is necessary.  He wants to monitor all these issues closely.  We have decided to wait until after our appointment with the cardiologist to determine if we will seek a second opinion.


Mike and I are both calm, but naturally we are worried.  We aren't really the "freak out" kinda people...unless we know what to freak out about.  At this point, Blip could still be born perfectly healthy and I could carry him to term.  Or we could be dealing with an entirely new set of issues we have no clue how to handle. It doesn't sound like I will make it to term, but the chances of Blip being healthy increase every single day I keep him growing inside of me.


I am doomed to be on this modified bed rest my entire pregnancy.  I'll do anything for my son, but it is hard to take.  Money will soon become an issue and I hope we've saved enough to get us through this.  I am thankful we have good insurance and that we both have steady employment.   I will have to take unpaid leave from work, but luckily I will be able to switch over to be on Mike's health insurance before I lose mine.


Until I was in this situation myself, it was hard to truly grasp how much you can love someone you've never met, touched, seen, held...until that someone is your unborn child.  I have never wanted anything more in my life than to be pregnant with my own child.  I never imagined the road we would have to get here...let alone the road we are on now.  


As of yesterday, we decided to be positive and not stress over the unknown.  Tonight I had a break down, but luckily Mike was home from work to comfort me.  I am afraid for my baby, but I believe everything will turn out as it should.  Whether this turns out to be a severe cardiac defect or something that fixes itself, I know it will work out how it's supposed to work out.


(Please remind me of this if the outcome is poor...and I'm angry.)

Sydney & Neal

Over the last several weeks, we have been helping Neal to plan the perfect engagement idea for him to propose to Sydney.  We were even invited to do a little ring shopping with Neal…and it was so much fun.

Neal was planning on making all this happen in October, but he decided that this weekend would be as long as he could wait.  Robyn and Bill had plans to drive over to see Syd this weekend and invited Neal to come along.  It was then turned into the idea of proposing while they were all at Disneyland (part of our original plan) Saturday night.  The plans went back and forth most of the week, but by Friday night were mostly settled. 

In the beginning…Neal and their group of friends were going to go to Disneyland in October to see Sydney.  We devised the plan with Neal just perfectly for it to all come off as a surprise.  It wasn't a surprise to anyone close to them that they were getting engaged…it was just the timing of the proposal.  It still needed to be special…and a surprise.

Neal came over to my house on Friday night while Richelle was there helping me.  He had the ring and wanted to show us the final product.  While he was there, he told us Sydney would be really excited and surprised if we were some how able to be there at Disneyland for the proposal.

Thus began the addition to the plan.

Richelle and I figured out how we could get to Disneyland to surprise Sydney and be there for the big event.  However, we didn't figure out all the details until 8:30am on Saturday.  I got ready, tossed a few things in a bag, Mike helped me to the car…and I was off to pick up Richelle.  Once we got in the car, we high-fived…then we began the trek to Anaheim.  Richelle got on her iPad to make us a hotel reservation…one detail we hadn't quite worked out.  Sadly, by the time we made it to McDowell…I had to pee.  Damn.  I was already rethinking our (long) spur of the moment road-trip. 

We made our quick pit-stop and were back on the road.  Richelle and I had such a peaceful trip.  We never even turned on the radio…we just enjoyed talking without interruption.  The miles flew by.  We were in contact with Neal via text message all day…trying to time everything just right.

We arrived at Disneyland a few minutes before 6pm.  We didn't have time to get me a wheelchair, but I wanted to stretch my legs a little anyway.  We made our way back to the castle and waited for updates from Neal.

Sydney loves Cinderella.  She also loves anything Disney (obviously).  Don't we all?

While we were at Disneyland for our annual Christmas Girls' Trip in January…I found Cinderella's wishing well for the first time ever.  I made a wish that day…and my wish came true this year.  So, we thought it would be cool to make Sydney's wishes come true (in the Neal department).  So, Richelle and I hid behind the wising well…near the back entrance to the castle.  

A few minutes had passed when Richelle spotted Bill…then Neal and Sydney making their way up the walkway to the wishing well.  Neal was supposed to be telling Sydney their story…not sure what was said between them, but when they stopped to make a wish, Neal started to hand Sydney a quarter to toss in.  She declined…and reached into her own purse to get her own money.

Meanwhile, Robyn was trying to take pictures, Bill was trying to videotape, Billy was just hanging out, Richelle was also trying to video tape and I was also trying to take pictures.  Sydney's back to was to us, so I thought she wouldn't notice the flash…I guess I was wrong.  Richelle and I were hiding in a tree…well…behind a tree, but Sydney turned to look right when I popped out to snap a photo. Damn.  I'm pretty sure that part of the video needs to be edited from my language, but I was sure she saw me.  Damn.

At that point, Sydney turned back around towards the fountain…I think she made her wish, and tossed in her penny.  When she finished, Neal was down on one knee…he asked her if she wanted to make his wish come true.  Sydney, of course, said yes.  Neal stood up...they hugged and kissed for a few minutes and then we came out from our hiding spot.

Sydney was so excited to see us....and obviously about the rock on her finger.  She ran up to us and we hugged.  When the three of us finished hugging and screaming...Sydney got down and rubbed my belly.  She was surprised how big Blip has gotten...then she kissed my belly.  I'm not sure why, but it made me so happy.  It was fun to see how excited she was about Blip.

When we finished up at the wishing well, we all went to dinner at the Carnation Cafe.  Richelle and I split a fried chicken dinner so we would be able to happily enjoy the other snacks we planned to indulge on.  Everyone headed over to Space Mountain when we finished eating, but I stayed seated at our table.  I was done.  I walked from the tram to the castle...and then across the street to dinner.  Yep...I have learned my limits to stay out of agony.  Robyn and Bill rented me a wheelchair...and I was set for the remainder of the night.  I was tired, but feeling pretty good...well...not bad at least.

Everyone else rode a few rides...we ate some yummy Disney snacks and then we headed back to the hotel.  Sydney spent the night with us...it was our only No Neal time...and we were excited to get Syd alone for a few moments. I guess we'll have to get used to sharing her from now on.  

On Sunday, we met up with everyone for breakfast.  Richelle and I decided to stay a little longer than we planned.  My original plans for Sunday were changed because of Mike's work schedule, so I figured we should stay and have more Sydney time.  We were really excited!!  

We talked to Syd about going back to Disneyland for lunch...since we could get in for free and all.  She was even able to get my wheelchair for free!!  Neal decided he would stay too...and ride home with us instead of Robyn and Bill.  That took away any time we actually would have had with Sydney (especially since they made out constantly...in front of us, in front of little children waiting in lines, in the car the entire way home, even mid-sentence when they stopped short...they were making out some more), but we made the best of every second we could get with her.

We are so excited for Sydney and Neal.  What an exciting new chapter in their lives.  I love seeing Sydney so happy.

I am so glad we decided to go.  It was so much fun to be there for Sydney and Neal's engagement.  Richelle and I agreed we missed Sydney more than we knew...it was so fun to see her and get to spend a few hours with her.

Now begins the wedding planning.

**p.s. Disneyland was an adventure from the seated position on wheels.  I have a new appreciation for those confined to wheelchairs.  I, at least, had the option of putting my foot on the ground to drag myself to a stop when I thought Neal was trying to kill me.  He let go one time on a downhill and I thought for sure I'd end up in the river.  No joke.  Neal somehow got my wheelchair stuck in the trolley tracks (or whatever they are) more than once.  How does that even happen?  Why were we even walking down the middle of Main Street?  Neal was then banned from pushing me.  Sydney and Richelle took turns...and they were much safer. Whew...I'm glad I made it out without injury.  I'm so thankful I was able to enjoy this weekend.  Without the wheelchair, it would not have been possible.

Wishing Well

In January I found Snow White's wishing well at Disneyland.  

I tossed in my quarter and made my wish.

I wasn't a believer in the wishing well, but I'm starting to think a little prayer, a few doctors, a huge loan, some zebra cakes and that stupid Well are to thank for my many blessings this year.

I am in my 18th week and I am loving it.  I actually don't love pregnancy...or the damage it's doing to my body (especially the insides), but I love that I am growing our son.  I love that Mike rubs my belly and talks to the baby.  Although my health is keeping me from doing pretty much anything, (My Doctor: "NO STRESS"  "NO SEX" "NO EXERCISE" "LAY LOW...DON'T DO ANYTHING") I love that I get lay in bed perfectly still...wondering if the bubbles I'm feeling are from the little man I can't wait to meet.  I am so thankful I was blessed with this miracle.

Codependent Besties

My memory of my life starts out sharing a room with Richelle and Raelynn.  Raelynn was in a crib...Richelle and I shared blue bunk-beds. I'm not sure they were always blue, but that's how I remember them.  


They weren't the new fancy type of bunk-beds with wooden boards under the mattresses. Nope...they were the kind with metal springs holding up the top mattress.  The kind that bounced/flexed when your older sister (who ALWAYS had the top bunk) got into bed...or moved while she was up in the bed.  The kind that if you sat up on your own bed...your hair was violently ripped out of your head from beyond the root...the kind that left bald spots and made you bleed.  In all my years of a bunk-beds...I never one time got the top bunk.


When Robyn married Bill and moved out, I was quickly moved in with Regina.  This time I got a daybed...but I doubt my new roommate was any more thrilled to have me as a roomie.  Regina was in high school...and I was 8ish.  I don't remember being welcomed, but I remember Richelle happily shoved me and my things out of her room.


When Regina moved out, I shared with Raelynn.  When Richelle finally moved out, I finally got my own room.  Richelle was forced into sharing a bunk-bed with Raelynn when she came home from college (every single weekend).


I remember when we were really little, Richelle and I played a lot together.  Then she started getting too old to play with me...she started liking boys and wearing make-up...while I was still playing with dolls. 


We used to build forts on our bottom bunks with Ryan and Travis in hopes to keep the invading Russians away. We stole all of the decorative pillows from Mom and Dad's room and then built up a wall locking us safely in the bottom bunk.


When my parents would leave for date night, we used to take all the pillows...the couch cushions included...and play games having to jump from pillow to pillow...never touching the carpet, or lava...or whatever it happened to be that night.  When the lights of the van would turn into the driveway, we'd all get the pillows/house back in order...while trying not to panic that we'd get caught!!  


Our friendship seemed to end there for a time.  For me, it ended every time I lost a chunk of hair in those damn bed springs, but I believe it was a mutual feeling back then.


Life got a little complicated at our house when my mom got sick.  We all got along, knowing what was coming and not wanting to cause our mother any extra stress.


Richelle was the one who held my hand as we followed my mother's casket up the aisle in the church the day we buried her.  She was the one I could look at and we knew what the other was thinking when my dad told us to be strong.  


After she died, life got even more complicated.  My dad grieved...he ate a lot of Diet Dr. Pepper and Snickers bars.  Richelle went back to NAU during the week.  Ryan went back to BYU.  Robyn had two little kids and Regina had a new baby too.  Dad and I didn't exactly see eye-to-eye, but we made it work.  I made sure Raelynn was taken care of...and did as much around the house as I could.  When Richelle came home on the weekends, she helped out, but at the time, it just seemed to mess up the rhythm we had going at home.


Then Dad started dating (Mela)Noma.  Life changed again.  He was gone a lot of weekends visiting her in Utah, and Richelle was in charge at home.  That was no good for me.


We fought a lot.  We were in a constant battle for power...she wanted it...and had it.  I was 16, so I wanted it even more, but didn't have any.  We had some pretty epic fights.  Life was a bundle of joy...for everyone involved.


Then my dad married Crazy...and we moved.  Richelle and Anthony bought the house we grew up in and got married.  I was still in HS and still taking care of Raelynn as much as possible...no way I was leaving Crazy to do that while Dad was working.


Lets just say that the few short months Crazy graced us with her presence were a struggle for all of us.  I can't think if another situation I've been in like that one...it was hell.  Richelle and I seemed to build a bond over that time.  We had become friends, but I think that pushed us closer together. 


It helped that Kyle and Anthony were such good friends...and we all liked to hang out.  We started playing Canasta every week...and camping and shopping together.  It was the highlight of those years.  When Crazy moved out...that was another highlight for all of us.


Then I got engaged.  Kyle and I bought a condo a few miles from Richelle and Anthony's house and were married a few months later. We continued to grow closer, and spent as much time together as possible.  We had so much fun camping together...hiding in the tent, in the pitch black, scary sounds, no fires, playing games, good food...lots of laughs.  The four of us were inseparable...like she had never tired to kill all those years before.


The night Kyle fell my world ended.  As the police department was escorting me to the ambulance, the other Scout leader that was with us, Tom, asked me who he should call.  I couldn't remember any other number than Richelle's.  I can't even remember that number as I sit here, but it was the only thing in my head at that very moment.  She was the only person on this Earth I needed...other than Kyle.


When the Firefighters left me in that small room at the hospital, first I puked...then I called Richelle.  I remember feeling helpless...and I begged her to be there with me.  She assured me that she and Anthony were on their way...and that they were hurrying.  I felt so alone.  I tried to wash some of the blood off my hands and face...then I called her again.  She was still on her way. I was sure I wouldn't make it.


After everyone arrived, the doctor came to get us...me, my dad Carlys and Kyle's parents.  He took us back to that small room and told us the news.  Kyle had a 0% chance of surviving his injuries.  He said a lot more than that, but that's all I heard.  The doctor finally quit talking and the only thing I remember wanting was Richelle.  I guess I thought she would fix it.  I remember her walking towards me down the hallway...and I remember not being able to stand after she got to me.  


Luckily, she was strong enough to hold us both up.


I know she had to leave my side that night, so others could take their turn saying their goodbyes, but I know she never really left.  She was there to carry me when I couldn't walk on my own.


I rode home with Richelle and Anthony to their house after we had to leave the hospital...she took care of me that first week.  She helped bathe me.  She made sure I had clothes to wear to the funeral.  She helped plan the funeral...she is still the other half of my brain.


Life moved forward...slowly, but surely.  I spent hours and hours in her classroom that year...and the next.  I usually just slumped in her chair at her desk, but I guess it was better than being alone.  She never complained or made me leave...even though I'm sure it got old.


On September 11th, 2001...after watching the second plane crash into the second tower, I skipped class at GCC and drove to Richelle's classroom.  I didn't know what else to do...or if there would be more attacks, but I knew I wanted to be with Richelle no matter what happened.


I have eaten more meals, cried more tears, laughed so hard I've peed my pants...all with Richelle.  She is my best friend...no question about it.  She knows me through and through and loves me in spite of it.


She has let me love her boys, intrude on her family time, invite myself on family vacations and just plain let me be a part of her family's life when I didn't have my own.  One of the best gifts she has given me was that opportunity to be present for the births of Carsen and Jake.  She let me invade ultrasounds, her amnio and I even cried more than she did when the boys made their way into this world.


Richelle is the first person I want to call when something good or something bad happens.  I trust her and I value her opinion...she completes my sentences when I can't remember what I was even talking about.  We talk a dozen times a day...sometimes for seconds...others for hours.  We can talk about nothing...or everything.


She was my main wedding planner...most of the planning didn't even need me.  She knows me well enough to know what I will love and what I will hate.


She was the one who I shared all my infertility crapola with.  Other than Mike, she was the one I whined to, debated with, repeated myself with...over and over.


Richelle is the one person who knows my hopes, my dreams, my fears...she knows how to handle me.  How to take me.  How to calm me down.  I swear she is a part of me.


When airline tickets go on sale, my first thought is her first thought- Where can us girls go for a quick weekend!?  (my thought tied for first is where can I go with my husband...I promise it is usually a tie for my #1 thought. :) )  


Our annual Disneyland trips are my favorite part of the year.  Really, any weekend we get away is more fun than I can explain.  We laugh the entire time...we eat a lot, we learn new things together...we just have fun together relaxing away from reality.


When we get an opportunity to do a family vacation together...we are all over it.  Even when we are accused of being codependent...as a bad thing, we don't care.


How could it be a bad thing?


She is the one I hope to be like...she is tough on her boys, but she is so loving and tender.  She is stronger and handles more than anyone I know.  She is the most selfless person I have ever met...she is the hardest worker I've ever known.  


Throughout my pregnancy trials, she has been the first one to drop anything and everything to make sure I am cared for.  I never go hungry.  I am never left alone...all that needs to be said is that I need her and she is here.  Honestly, I usually don't have to say anything.


I am blessed.

9.10.11

Before I made the move to Phoenix PD (about 7 years ago), I went on a ride-along with a good friend of mine, Amber. I went to the academy with Amber and she worked in Phoenix on a 3rd shift squad.  I was very excited to go with her...since I knew my move was coming very soon I wanted to get a glimpse of my future.  We ate dinner that night at a 24 hour pizza place at 16th street and Glendale.  One of the guys on Amber's squad ate with us.  His name was Chris Stone...he had been on several calls with us that night and was someone I could see myself being good friends with.  He was just a likable, funny guy.


After the ride-along, I was invited to go out with Amber and her group of friends (mostly from her squad or precinct) several times.  Chris was always there...so were a lot of other people I still consider friends.  And so began a life-long friendship.

I made my lateral move to Phoenix and ended up at the Squaw Peak Precinct...the same precinct my new friends worked out of.  Amber had been transferred to another precinct...and funny enough...I ended up on the squad she had been on prior to her transfer.  Chris, and a few others, had moved to another squad too, but remained in the same precinct.  Luckily, that squad was in the squad area just next to mine and we all worked about the same hours.


We all remained friends and continued to spend our off hours together and worked on the same squad for quite some time.  Over the years, Chris has become a very good friend of mine (well...ours) and he is someone we love very much.  He is someone you can always depend on...he is trustworthy and I'd do anything for him or for his family.  I know Mike feels the same way.

The one constant in police work is that nothing remains constant. Some of our friends have been killed.  People move from detail to detail.  And then there was the rebid last year.  That major movement of all patrol officers and the opening of two new precincts changed everything.  In our line of work, some friends aren't seen for months...or years.  When you run into each other, it's always as if it were yesterday you worked with each other.  The best of friends make time after a move to spend time with each other, but we all know how quickly life moves.  We all get the texts or phone calls about each others life and the dangers we experience at work.  There are some bonds that can remain unbroken.


Fast forward a few years...

Last night we celebrated with Chris and his new Bride, Melissa, as they were married and started their new life together.  It was so much fun to see old friends and to see Chris so happy.  We have been lucky enough to get to know Melissa over the past 2-3 years...so we are already in love with her.  Melissa was a beautiful bride, and the wedding was a lot of fun...even from a chair.

Next Best Thing

This week was mentally tough.


I would normally make an appointment for a massage.  They always seem to make a difference for the better...both mentally and physically.  


Unfortunately, I was told by my doctor that I am not allowed to have a massage right now.


Ugh.


So...I did the next best thing.


On Thursday, I got my eyebrows waxed.


On Friday, I got a pedicure...with a foot and leg massage and I got a manicure...with a hand and an arm massage.


On Saturday, I got my hair done...with a scalp massage.  Not sure if the massage or covering the gray hair on my head was better.


I'm not sure what other short pampering sessions I can think of, but I am trying to come up with a few more that don't involve touching my abdomen.  Not only for my comfort, but for my sanity.

More Good News...

Mike & I met with Dr. A this morning after having an ultrasound.  This was the ultrasound we scheduled to determine the gender...so today's was just for fun (and to measure my ovaries).

Blip is very active.  It was hard to actually see his parts because he was moving so much.  


I thought today was the Level II ultrasound, but that is in the works to be scheduled for my 18th week.  I have to go back to Dr. A in two weeks too.  Dr. A also wants me to have a consult with a high risk doctor...just to be safe.

Dr. A kept me on bed rest...and she didn't give me an end date.  My ovaries are the same sizes; the right is bigger than the left.  I asked Dr. A to sign something saying I was allowed to get a prenatal massage...she told me no way.  I asked her if I was allowed to do any exercise...she said no way.  She did agree to let me get in the pool, but not to exercise...just to relax.


We asked more questions about what could happen if this or that happens...or doesn't happen.  It is a possibility my ovaries won't go back to normal until my pregnancy is over.  That won't be great for my comfort.  They aren't big enough to drain.  If I was to need one removed, it would only be one...my right one.  It was always bigger and had more follicles during my IVF cycle.  My left is still bigger than it should be, but it isn't giving me nearly the problems...or pain.

I asked if I could carry a baby without ovaries.  Her face said, "Yikes!!"  Her words said it would be possible, but I would need hormone supplements.  Mike explained to her that we want more children, so taking an ovary or two is to be our very last option.  We only have two embryos left...we hope at least one of those will work, but who knows.  We are afraid of having our decisions made for us.


They both hurt today though.  The ultrasounds always give me pain...all the pushing and prodding.  Is it awful that I would prefer the vaginal ultrasound..??  They didn't cause me any discomfort.

Dr. A is going to consult with Dr. B at my request.  She seemed open to the idea.  She said it could help to see what ideas Dr. B has that may be different from her ideas.  It made me happy that Dr. A was okay with my idea...I would really like Dr. B to be in the loop.  She knows my body better than anyone and has been there through all of this.


As soon as we left the office, I could feel the tears running down my face...I am so frustrated.  I am willing to do whatever it takes to deliver a healthy baby boy, but it does not make this any easier.  I can't say it enough- I am so thrilled to be pregnant and I feel so blessed to be carrying our baby boy.  I will do anything to make sure he gets here safely...I can't wait to hold him and love him.