Thanksgiving

I am becoming a complete failure at picture taking.  I drag the camera bag around with me (along with what feels like 85 other bags), but I can't seem to remember to get the camera out and take pictures.  Mike isn't so helpful at this task either, so then we end up with camera phone pictures...if we're lucky.  The other lucky part...at least the iPhone has a decent camera these days.

Blip and I woke up on Thanksgiving this year and had breakfast while we watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.  I haven't been awake to watch the parade in at least a decade.  If I had to be awake...at least I was with my favorite little person.

After a couple hours of being awake, we went and woke up Daddy. The three of us got ready for the day, and then we headed over to Kelly's house for dinner.  This year was the Buvala Family year for Thanksgiving dinner.  We switch back and forth every other year.  It makes it a lot easier on me to not have to try and coordinate ANOTHER holiday.  Plus then we don't have to "miss" anything.  We've been doing it this way for years in my family.  We like it because at least every other year we are ALL together.

On the way there, Blip didn't fall asleep until we were getting off the freeway.  That has NEVER happened before. Ever.  We just shook our heads.  He normally falls asleep immediately.  He was SO exhausted and REALLY needed to sleep, so we let him sleep in the car as long as he would.  I just sat in the car with him...willing him to sleep.  He slept a total of about 45 minutes...maybe.  But it was better than nothing.

Dinner was ready almost as soon as I took Blip inside.  Mike and I were excited for the meal since Blip is eating a lot of regular food these days.  He did not like turkey on his first try as much as he loved chicken.  He ate a few bites of potatoes, and he ate a few bites of green beans.  He didn't eat very much, so I also fed him some additional baby food.  

Mike also wanted Blip to try the Buvala family favorite green jello that Grandma makes.  I tried to warn Mike it was a bad idea.  Blip seems to have inherited my texture issues.  If there is something he does not like the texture of, he forces himself to gag until he pukes. And pukes.  So in went one bite of the green jello...and he seemed to like the taste, so he opened his mouth for a second taste.  I'm not sure what was in that second bite, but something he did NOT like.  He gagged...and then gagged...and then puked.  And puked.

*sigh*

It was all over his tray, himself, me...dinner was over for us.

I didn't mind his puke-iness when there wasn't half digested food and bile involved.  Now the smell is putrid...and it makes me gag.  I really, really hate puke.  Ugh.  Blip puked four more times while we were at Kelly's.  Plus he was exhausted on top of it.  Each time he puked it got all over him and all over me...and the couch, the floor, his booster seat tray, etc.  I could smell nothing, but puke.  I wanted to go home SO badly and shower, but Mike wasn't ready to leave, so I did my very best not to gag and to keep the baby happy.

While being puked on I got a text from Richelle.  Here's the conversation we had:

Richelle: "Robyn and I want to see if you want to go shopping 2 nite"

Me: "Where? What time? I don't, but I want to be with you guys so I will go.  Can we just get a hotel room and sleep? haha"

Richelle: "LMBO. Robyn wants to go to Target Walmart and Kohls. Maybe Macy's.  Bill wants the cast iron dutch oven like u want and they one on sale for $59 with 20 rebate at kohl's"

Me: "Oooh....what time?"

I'm a sucker.  I completely disagree with Black Friday starting on Thursday evening.  I hate that the stores make all those employees leave their families to open the stores early.  BUT...I wouldn't give up time with my sisters for anything.  So they win.  We got home just before 9pm...which was go time.  I quickly showered and put non-puke smelling clothes on.  I grabbed my shopping purse, grabbed my coupons...and ran out the door. I'm sure I said goodbye to my boys, but I can't remember.  I just wanted out...I need a break.

It took me about 8 months to want to leave the house without the baby.  Now quick breaks are very welcome...and I've moved on from terrified about my Girls Disney Trip in two weeks to being nervous, but super excited....and I think I will survive.  I have come to realize that I need to set some time aside for myself more often.  I spend every waking minute at work, on the bus, taking care of Blip, taking care of Mike, the house, the bills, etc.  I need to make an effort to put me on my to-do list.  We also need to make time for just us too.

Anyway...we went to Target first.  We pulled into the parking lot just after 9pm.  The LONGEST line EVER was just being let in.  We sat in the car for a few minutes to avoid the line...and then walked right in.  We found almost everything on everyone's list and a few things not on anyone's list, but good deals.  We even found some stuff on Regina's list.  Cell phones are a huge help most days.  She was in Gilbert with her girls this year, but next year when we are all together we already want to go again all us sisters.

After finding everything we "needed" at Target, we made our way to Walmart via the McDonald's drive-thru.  Who eats at McDonald's on Thanksgiving?  I guess we do now! :)  We wandered around the mostly empty Walmart.  We were in between big sale start times, so there was no line and no mad-dash for anything.  After we loaded our carts full of crap, we loaded ourselves back into Robyn's car and headed for Kohl's.

Kohl's was CRAZY.  We made our way to the kitchen section...picked out our pots and headed for the line.  I left Richelle to go find Robyn.  I noticed the other line was much shorter, but knew Richelle couldn't carry three pots.  I ran into several people I know...and wanted to sit and chat, but we were on a mission!  We made it over to the shorter line...and even brought some friends over from the long line.  The short line was still nearly two hours long...so we each took a turn shopping while someone waited with our pots.

By the time we left Kohl's it was after 2am...perfect time to head to the mall!  We were shocked to see how many people were there!  We made our way to New York and Company, Buckle...and somewhere else, I'm sure.  We left the mall at about 4am.  And we were done.  I barely made it upstairs.  

Luckily, Mike let me sleep late on Friday.  I woke up when he had to get ready for work.  The baby still didn't seem done puking...and he puked several more times.  He didn't really seem "sick," so I think it really must be his reflux.  I didn't want to take any chances...and he puked on everything he wore, so we stayed home together for the majority of our Friday.  

We did run a quick errand we couldn't put off...and we also got to run into Mike while we were there.  I've never seen Blip react the way he did when he saw Mike.  He started bouncing in my arms, laughing, and clapping his little hands.  He was overjoyed to see his daddy.  It was possibly the cutest thing ever. After saying hello, we had to go home.

Saturday was filled with cleaning/baby-proofing the house and a birthday party for Ella Walter, Dave's daughter.  Then we headed over to my parents' house for dinner to celebrate Robyn's birthday.

Sunday I spent the day doing about 8 loads of laundry and cooking our own Thanksgiving dinner.  I had never actually cooked a turkey, so I decided I wanted to make us our own meal and leftovers.  I think it turned out pretty dang good...and it wasn't too hard to pull it all together with Blip needing all my attention.  Mike slept late after working until 5am and then ran errands, so it was just Blip and me cooking and praying for a nap.  Well...that was just me. 

I wish I knew what made Blip puke so much over the weekend.  He actually ruined more than one outfit.  The puke with food and bile doesn't come out of clothing nicely.  Gross.

We had a great four day weekend.  It was packed FULL, but I love being with my little family...and some added sister time is ALWAYS welcome.

Having my lil Blip is always an adventure...he is so sweet, and he is happy even when he's tired and puking.  I thought he might be getting sick, but he never did.  My guess is that his reflux is back...and maybe that's causing his sleep issues.

The Undy

Last year Mike & I signed up for the Undy thinking I could borrow a wheelchair and still attend.  So we paid our money, but as the time got closer and closer to the date of the Undy we realized we were the only two people who had signed up.  Our team was HUGE the first two years, but last year...nobody even mentioned it.  I could only do so much while I was grounded to the house, but I was bummed.  And out a bunch of money.

I woke up this morning...after getting maybe four hours of sleep.    I had three texts...all friends canceling.  Our team was already a lot smaller than normal, but this made me want to crawl back in my warm bed and go back to sleep.  Luckily, Mike was my better half this morning.  He told me to get up so we could go celebrate my mom's birthday...with or without anyone else.  He was right.  So I drug my exhausted body to the bathroom and got ready to go.

We arrived late...well almost late.  Later than we hoped.  We arrived in time for the National Anthem and then it was race time.  We were at about the middle of the 5k racers pack when the race started.  After we crossed the starting line, we decided to run the 5k...without training for it.  We did better than we thought, but man do I wish I had run more before the race started.

I love to run, but I am not a good self-motivator.  I need a running buddy...which is probably why I loved to run in the academy so much.  I had about 30 running buddies.  I also LOVED to run with Carol...the conversation is motivating.  I tried to keep Mike talking to me, but he was not really getting what I needed.  I should have told him long before the last 1/2 mile what I needed from him (since we've never run together before), but I just assumed he knew.

Finally I smartened up and told him he HAD to talk to me...or I would die.  He said he didn't have anything to talk about.  I nearly lost it!  I told him he had to come up with something...and then questioned how he could have NOTHING to say to me!?  I think I yelled something along the lines of he was supposed to be my best friend that he had better figure out something to say to me!

I don't think Mike knew what to say...or think at that point, so he just started encouraging me.  We had about a 1/4 mile to go...and I really did want to stop.  But I didn't.  It took me 42 minutes and 20 seconds to finish, but I'm happy I ran...and I'm happy I didn't die.

We went to breakfast after the race, and then we ran a few errands.  We learned Blip likes protein pancakes at U.S. Egg as much as we do.  He tried the bacon and also had some eggs. We spent the rest of the day together just hanging out at the house...it seems like forever since we didn't have to be somewhere and just got to be home together.

I made a new recipe in the crockpot for dinner.  Blip LOVED it.  Rob and I took him to Carrabba's for dinner the other night, and he ate about 1/2 of my chicken marsala.  So I found another chicken recipe...he ate a tone of it...plus rice and green beans.  Mike ran out to get a movie for after Blip's bedtime...and brought home some Thrifty ice cream.  He didn't seem to love it all that much, but I think the cold bothered him.

We played for a while and then read 3-4 books and then he was READY for sleep.  He drank some of his bottle and fell asleep in my arms.  I've learned to quickly put him down...sometimes it helps him not to scream.  Tonight my trick worked...thank goodness.

Our day started early and ended happy. I love my little family...and I love the days that are simple.

p.s. Mike and I both feel as if we are 100 years old after our 5k with NO training.  My knees hurt often, but wow...running 3+ miles NOT in my running shoes and without a thought...not so good for bad knees.  Mike says his hips hurt...he blames running with his gun on his hip.   Guess we should have thought more about this.  For sure next year we will give it more thought...and hopefully my team will be back in the swing of things.

CupCake

This week Hostess® announced they were shutting down after the Union did not accept their last, best and final offer.  Blah blah blah... The important part is that their snacks may no longer be available.  I don't buy their snack often, but c'mon...who can live life without raspberry Zingers® (Dolly Madison is also Hostess)!?

I've honestly never wanted a package of CupCakes more...and there are NONE to be found...I also can't find Twinkies®, Ding Dongs®, Ho Ho’s®, Sno Balls® or Donettes®.

I ran in to Target to grab Blip diapers today while the boys waited in the car.  I quickly steered my cart toward the bread aisle...in hopes there would be a few Hostess items left.  

Well...I ended up with a couple items, but I had to shake my head as I loaded them into my cart.  I found some Hostess CupCakes, but they are definitely NOT was I hoping for.  I also snagged two packages of my favorite Donettes®.

We let Blip try a Donut with his afternoon snack.  He seemed to really like it!  He does seem to enjoy most foods, though.

Peek-a-Boo

We have been struggling with bedtime for several weeks.  I struggle with my own bedtime on a regular basis, but we have never struggled with Blip's.  His sleeping has been incredible pretty much since day one, but he has been the most amazing child ever born since about six weeks...then a step above that from then on.  Until his 8 month birthday.

I won't go in to all the awful details because I don't want to cry...or try to harm myself, but life around here went for braggably (is that a word? well...it is now.) awesome to freaking horrible.

Blip's schedule and sleep routines were the one thing I really felt "I got this" about.  Everything else...well...he's surviving...and so are we...so that's not failing, right?  His eating...eh...he's still got double dimples at his elbows, so we can't be all wrong, right?

So...the other night after putting our baby boy to bed the crying started.  I went up to soothe him after Mike tried.  I leaned over the railing to kiss his forehead while I was rubbing his head...and he calmed instantly.  I stood there for 30 seconds or so just breathing his sweetness in...I love when he just lets me love him.  I pulled myself back a bit and began to stand up when all of a sudden he pulled his blanket over his face with both hands.  He likes to rub his blanket against his cheek, but this was complete coverage.

He quickly thrust the blanket away from his face.  He had a HUGE smile...and he let out a giggle.  It took me a second to realize what was happening, but when he thrust the blanket back over his face...I knew we were playing peek-a-boo.  I quickly said, "Where's Cody?"  His response was to giggle...and then tear that blanket away from his face.  We did this over and over and over.

I was breaking EVERY rule we ever even pretended to have about bedtime, but how do you stop such awesomeness?  I figured by this point Mike had to be watching the monitor wondering what in the world we were doing, so I turned to the camera and told Mike he was going to miss it if he didn't come.

Mike got there just in time for another round of Blip's new game.  We all played for a few more minutes...and then it really was time for Blip to sleep.  He fell asleep pretty quickly...even after our funny little game.

9 Months

My sweet little Blip turned 9 whole months old.  He is getting so big and so much is changing every day.  I can't believe how big he is...and how fast he got here.  He had his 9-month well check with Dr. J today.  He weighed in at 21 pounds 4 ounces and was 31.5 inches long.  That puts him in the 63rd percentile for weight and he is still off the charts for height.  She was quite impressed with how big our once "failure to thrive" baby is.  He clearly has come a long way from failing to thrive...although I do miss that 6 pound, teensy, needy baby boy.  

He obviously still needs quite a bit, but each day his need for independence shows more and more.  He has started feeding himself a lot of his own food.  We still spoon feed some things, but he really prefers to self-feed.  He is eating quite a bit, but I'm still struggling to find him the right foods.  He seems to have a texture issue...like his mom. Hopefully he got some of my good stuff too.  

It's hard to cook for one, and since we work opposite schedules, we just don't have a normal sit-down dinner like normal families.  We are setting our sights on that for when Blip and his sibling (?) are in school and sports...and Mike works dayshift.  But for now...this works.  Most of the time.  Blip eats almost everything now...as long as it's the right size, and as long as he can shovel it into his mouth by himself.

Blip is still the happiest baby. Ever.  He is rarely upset...and rarely fusses or cries.  Exhaustion, poopy diapers, and hunger are about the only things he'll let you know about.  Other than that...he's just happy.  He is super curious about what's going on around him, but he is also perfectly content to play on his own.

By his 9 month birthday, Blip had seven teeth!  Four on the top and two...almost three on the bottom.  He puts EVERYTHING in his mouth.  Everything.  He likes to gnaw and chew on everything.  He loves when I wear a necklace...they are just long enough to taste.  Gross.  He also likes the charging cord to Mike's PS3 controller.  We are still in the process of baby-proofing the house...

Blip learned to do the Army crawl this month.  He perfected it in a matter of hours.  From there he quickly learned to sit up by himself a few days later.  He loves to play on the floor with his toys.  Blip can keep himself entertained for long stretches of time.  He just rolls around, talks, does raspberries...and now he crawls towards Daddy's PS3.  He usually only goes for it once, but if he can get that controller, he is a happy camper.

I feel like this month has flown by...I know so much happened, but I can honestly only remember specifics if I wrote it down.  Sad, huh?  Gotta love that all controlling thyroid!

We celebrated Blip's first Halloween and went to his first Pumpkin Patch.  Blip was a super cute parrot for Halloween this year.  I'm guessing next year will be more fun because he will be walking (read: running) around.

He is still so nosey.  We love that he is so alert and always wants to see what's going on around us.

For the last month we've been having some bedtime issues.  Well just one issue.  Blip doesn't want to go to bed.  He has been so easy to put down until now.  Once he's asleep, he's out cold for the night.  It's just getting him there.  Nothing has changed, but instead of him going to sleep...he screams.  I'm all for crying it out, but geez...we're talking 2+ hours total. 

I'm to the point now that after a while, several soothings, etc...I just hold him (using all my muscles) and rock him to sleep.  He doesn't seem to like it...at all, but after 10-15 minutes he's out cold and cuddled in my arms.  We've been to the doctor twice.  He isn't sick.  It may be the normal sleep regression that happens around this age (per the books), or his teething, or he hates me..??  It's very frustrating.  

Being home alone at night is something I normally enjoy, but this screaming issue os awful.  I actually called Mike one night at 11:30pm (1/2 an hour before his shift ended) and asked him to please come home.  Listening to Blip scream is exhausting.  I've never felt angry or lost my temper, but it is just draining.

We absolutely LOVE sending Blip to see Miss Lori two afternoons a week.  He LOVES her, and that definitely makes it easier for Mike to drop Blip off knowing he is happy.  On Thursdays Blip gets to hang with his boys...and it's his time with Richelle too.  Sadly for us girls...I'm pretty sure he just wants to be with his boys (already).  He loves being with them...and just watching them.  I love that they all love Blip.  And I love that Blip loves them right back.

Promises, Promises

After Kyle was buried I had a pretty good support system.  Of course the first few days and weeks after a death occurs the whole world shows up, but after the funeral...and maybe a few more weeks for some people...life goes on.  Not for the immediately affected, but for the friends and family whose life was not affected on a daily basis.  Their life should go back to "normal".  It's just that "normal" for the immediate family is never to be had again...until a "new normal" is found.

I'm sure what I felt was similar to what other shocked widows feel.  No time to prepare.  Life changed in an instant...without my approval.  After the dust settled it became clear that it DID happen...and it WAS permanent.  All the questions...how and why and what now.  But there were no answers.

I know I wanted to die.  I didn't want to kill myself, but I didn't want to live.  I thought for sure the end for me was near...how on Earth was I supposed to live without him?  Every plan we had- ruined.  Every dream we shared- shattered.  Every goal- destroyed.  It was pretty easy to just believe I wouldn't have to do it without him.  

So I did...I believed I would just die.  I gave myself a maximum of three months...I needed an end date.  It seemed easier to survive if I had an end date. So, I prayed for death...and then I just kind of waited.  After a few weeks...I was still here.  Perfectly healthy.  I had lost more weight than I should have, but I had gained more weight in the 18 months I was married than I should have.  I guess stress does one, and happiness does the other.

I stopped praying I would just die somehow (hopefully with no pain) and started trying to figure out why I would survive.  And how?  I didn't like living alone, but I owned our condo.  I didn't have a job with any career substance to it...I never planned on keeping my job after I got pregnant.  I never planned to work outside our home, so how would I even provide for myself?  I was lonely without him, but I didn't want anyone else...just him.  I was so confused...I hurt physically and emotionally.  I was exhausted.  In a few short weeks I had become someone I didn't know anymore.  I was someone I didn't even want to know.  I wasn't a bad person, but I was miserable and all alone.

Kurt and Anna (Kyle's brother and his wife) were a huge part of my support system.  They checked on me, visited me, encouraged me...they were great.  Anna's mom, Sarah, still lived in West Virginia...and Anna planned to go back to visit.  I honestly can't recall how it all came to be, but I bought a plane ticket and headed east with Anna.  I had never been east of Arizona...I was frightened out of my newly made, very small comfort zone, but I knew Anna would make sure I was okay.  She was stronger than any woman I had ever met.

We landed in Atlanta to switch planes.  We went from a large plane...to a plane with only a few seats and propellers.  I remember boarding the plane thinking, "Oh...so this is how it will end."  It's funny thinking back NOW, but then...that little plane was freakin' me out!  After a short, bumpy ride we landed...unharmed.  Sarah picked us up and we headed to her home.  

She was so kind and gracious.  She welcomed me with open arms...she loved me and accepted me.  I was 20 years old.  A newly made widow.  I was broken, afraid, and confused...going on that trip was exactly what I needed.  There were plenty of things on the "to-do list," but there was nothing so important we HAD to do.  We ventured out and around West Virginia, drove to Amish country in Ohio, I saw what was left of the leaves changing for the first time, and we sat around Sarah's kitchen table and talked.  Or didn't.  It didn't matter.  There was no pressure.  Just acceptance. 

One thing Anna and I planned to do was drive the 4-5 hours to Washington DC.  I had never been anywhere...so I didn't even know how to plan a damn thing.  I knew where we were, but I had no idea where we were.  I didn't care what we did or didn't do...and I'm sure I was of no help.  We picked a hotel that was near DC (which is an entire story by itself) and, I think, Anna made a reservation.  We borrowed Sarah's car...and I drove us to Washington DC.  I *almost* got a ticket, but somehow the State Trooper didn't stop me...not sure why, though...I deserved it.  We laughed, talked about our past, talked about our secrets...like sisters do.

We pulled into the city in the late afternoon, I think.  I was so excited...until I realized people there are nuts.  I'd never driven in anything like DC traffic.  It was NUTS.  But we went with it.  We found our hotel and checked in.  Since we had less than two full days in DC, we knew we had to have some strict goals/limits.  We decided to each choose two things we couldn't live without seeing.  I chose Arlington/The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and the Iwo Jima Memorial.  Anna chose the Holocaust Museum...and something else I can't remember.  We did end up seeing A LOT more than that, but those were our *musts* for the trip.  We did a lot of running...or at least it felt like running.  It was amazing.

That first night was the important one, for me.  It forever changed me...even though I doubt anyone else knew but me.  We ventured out to find dinner and some sites.

We found something to eat at Union Station.  All I remember was I liked the food...and it had capers.  Before that meal I had never even heard of capers.  Man, I was young.  I had experienced next to nothing at that point, yet I was a widow. (and apparently I had really bad taste in jeans...oh the things we learn.)

We ended up at the US Capitol Building.  I was awestruck.  It was an amazing building...and huge.  We were there after closing time, so we couldn't get in.  We ended up walking the perimeter...sneaking up to the open windows to peek inside.  We laughed...and tried not to get caught.  After peeking in as many windows as we could, we ended up sitting on the steps of that beautiful building.  We could see the Washington Monument...I was already amazed by that place.  The size of the monuments was indescribable.  They were so much larger than what I imagined.

I'm not sure what we talked about, if anything.  But I do remember how I felt.  I felt alive.  And happy.  Actual happiness...I hadn't felt actual happiness in exactly three months.  We sat on those steps on November 10th, 2000...three months exactly since that awful day.  

That three months I had given myself was up.  That was all the time I thought I could survive without him.  And I made it.  And I didn't want to die.

That night...on those steps...I made myself a promise.  A promise to make it.  To live.  To travel.  To figure out why.  To prove that I was strong enough for whatever was thrown my way.  To stand up and keep walking...even when I wanted to lay down and die.  That night...I knew I was better than that.  I didn't know how, but I knew, that night, that I could do it.  And I would.

From that moment on, my goal was simply to make it.  To succeed. That's not to say my hurt was over.  Far from it.  The grieving process is long...the hurt becomes less as time moves forward, but it did hurt.  Every time I took a breath...for what seemed like forever...it hurt to my core.

I thought I made it the night I graduated the police academy.  Then I actually became a cop...and I really thought that was it.  That was the reason for my living.  Sure I had saved a few lives, broken up some fights, talked ONE woman (that I know of) out of a violent relationship (and she actually left AND survived), had kids placed with CPS, stopped drunk drivers, put really bad guys in prison, and a myriad of other cool assorted tasks....that had to be it.  I definitely made it.  I made enough money to provide for myself, build a house...ya know...the basics of survival.

I also traveled many places.  I have taken many vacations.  Taken several cruises.  Flown first class many times.  Been to many Caribbean islands, several Mexican destinations, every Hawaiian Island (more than once...except Maui...only once for Maui), two of the US Cemeteries abroad, I've even been to see where a Saint was buried (although I don't even truly get the Saint thing).  I stayed in a mansion made of marble on the Amalfi Coast in Italy....tried Tiramisu in EVERY restaurant that had a piece to offer.  And cannolis...Mmmm...cannolis.  Went to a topless beach (when not everyone should have been topless), snorkeling in many different waters (too chicken to dive), I have lived, but still there's more to see.

Then I met Mike.  And I fell madly in love with Mike.  Then I married Mike.  We did some traveling.  We figured out how to be happily married...which definitely beats just plain old married.  We tried really hard.  We found and fixed up our dream house.  We woke up every single day and tried...saved for retirement, paid off dumb debt, traveled a few more cool places. Allowing my heart to find love again...and to marry again...that had to be it.  I had made it.  Love is far superior to a career, right?

And then I became a mother.  I knew the second Blip was conceived I had more life to live.  Whether HE made it to my arms or not, I knew there was more to my life than what I knew already.  In that doctor's office...I just knew I needed more.  And then that tiny little boy made it to me.  As soon as I saw him I knew.  I had made it.  We had created him...complete perfection.  He was the reason I survived.

He was the reason I picked myself up out of the gutter.  He was the reason I never allowed myself to fail.  I never accepted excuses when it was hard.  I never quit.  I did those things for myself without knowing why...just that I had to succeed.  That night in the hospital...surrounded again by my support system it was clear to me.  It was simple.  My Heavenly Father knew there was more...he knew I could I do it.  He knew I would know the reason as soon as my son arrived.

And every time I look at him, kiss him, hug him, breathe him in...I know.  

I know I made it.

I know there was a reason.  I still don't understand the why, but I do understand there was a reason I survived.

Happy 12 years to me.  

And Happy 12 years to life...my new life.

My amazing life.