IVF - Day 42, Embryo Transfer (ET) Day

I tossed and turned all night.  I couldn't quite settle into a deep sleep...too anxious or excited...maybe a little nervous too.  I crawled out of bed in the dark at about 5am.  I knew I was keeping Mike awake, so I quietly went downstairs.  When I finally felt tired enough to fall asleep...it was time for my alarm to go off. 

We casually got ready...smiling the entire time...and then drove out to the clinic.  We were shown back to the pre-op room...where we waited for the update on our 12 embryos.  A couple a few rooms down got a visit from an embryologist with an update, so I assumed we would too. Their update was terrible...I felt awful for them.  They left before Dr. Behera made her way back to see us.  She wasn't all smiles and hugs, like normal...and we quickly learned why.

Our 12 tiny embryos were not doing well.  They were all growing and dividing like they should, but then they stopped.  Only two continued.  The other 10 were...developing at a much slower pace.  Or maybe not at all. 

Dr. Behera suggested we freeze our two best embryos and let my body heal. 40+ days of abuse and stress on a body doesn't make for the most natural environment for an embryo.  After a month or so, we could do the transfer.  She explained that since we only had two perfect embryos...we should freeze them and wait until my body isn't so jacked from all the drugs.  Next, she suggested we leave the other ten embryos with the lab...see if over the next day or two they divide any further.  After day six, if they haven't continued to divide...they will be discarded (with the medical waste) because they aren't viable.

She said we had some options...if we didn't like that scenario.  She said transferring any embryos was our choice.  We could transfer the two best embryos if we wanted (this was our idea and it was not what any doctor thought was a good idea), but again told us it was not what she would recommend.  We could cancel the transfer, pray the 10 grow/catch-up, freeze the two good ones and reschedule a FET (frozen embryo transfer) in a month or two.

I was having a hard time listening to her at this point.  I felt so heartbroken.  16 eggs was amazing.  13 being mature was awesome.  12 fertilizing was fantastic.  And now we had 2?  We had two embryos to make us a family.

I was shocked.

I asked if any of the others had a decent chance.  She said they could, but there was no way to know.  I asked her what she thought was best.  She told us she really thought our best chance at achieving pregnancy was to freeze our two good embryos.  She also stated we could transfer two of the best ones from the 10 slow growing ones. 

I asked if it would help to transfer three, but she said no.  She also said there was a chance all three would survive and then we'd have triplets...not something she advocates for the health/safety of mom and babies.

Mike and I agreed that we should take our chances and transfer the two best out of the 10 (slow) embryos and freeze our two best embryos.  We chose this and Dr. Behera agreed.  We have a slim/none chance to get pregnant this cycle, but it's still a chance.  If we didn't transfer any- there would be no chance. 

Also, we aren't 100% thinking in dollar signs, but this is pretty much it.  We paid for all of our other procedures out of pocket, paid for our drugs out of pocket and financed $15k...for one fresh cycle (today's transfer) and one frozen cycle (the two frozen embryos in a month or two...unless this works). 

There is no more money.  This is it.

I figured since we paid for this transfer...whether it happened or not, we should at least try.  If the embryos don't survive in the lab, they get tossed.  If the don't continue to grow and attach inside of me...my body will toss them out.  So why not try?  The other eight will be looked after for another two days and then the lab will decide whether they are ready to be frozen or tossed.  They could just be maturing slower than they should be.

The lab peeps (all people with brains on a much higher wavelength than mine) chose our best two out of the 10 short-bus riders.  The "gold medalists" were frozen for a future cycle (hopefully for child 2 or 3, not for child 1).  Dr. Behera transferred a "good" quality embryo and a "fair-good" quality embryo.  She assured me that if I was to get pregnant with a "fair" quality embryo it would not affect the baby in any way (ie: retardation, genetic issues, etc...not that those things can't/won't happen on their own).

Red arrow = full bladder for u/s.  Black arrow = flash of light/aka - ET. You can kinda make out the shape of my uterus, but this isn't the best picture/scan.

I held myself together while we did the procedure.  I got myself dressed and as we walked to the car, I called Richelle.  For the first time since all of this started 2 1/2 years ago...I bawled my eyes out.  Don't get me wrong...I've cried a tear of frustration here or there.  But I am pretty dang proud of how well I've remained calm and in control of what's going on around us.  I'm a realist.  I just want facts...and structure.  I don't want all these odds and failures.  I cried the entire car ride...and then some.

Those 12 tiny embryos were my hope.  My hope for many transfers if needs be.  I was really thinking we'd get pregnant this cycle and in a couple years we could have another baby.  Since we'll still be paying for $15k...there won't be a way to pay for another cycle.

I have some hope, but not much.  I know the doc in the lab didn't want to transfer any of the embryos today...based on quality alone.  I am holding out hope that those two tiny embryos will freeze well and we can transfer them either in a month or two...or in a few years. 

I feel pretty numb right now.

I plan to be on "princess status" (or so Dr. B's office calls bed rest) for the remainder of the week, or until my cycle starts...whichever comes first.  My pregnancy test is June 10th.  I will do my best to provide a nice home for my embryos and pray they attach...and pray they are our little miracle(s) sent from above.  Sadly, I'm 31 years old and having two half-decent embryos shoved inside my uterus is the most pregnant I've ever been...and it's not even pregnant.

Mike drove me directly to my dad's house.  I layed on their couch and soaked in all the parental love I could.  Richelle and the boys came by a while later too...and my dad gave me a blessing. 

It seems the Lord wants me to be patient.  I'm not sure if that's a virtue I haven't learned yet, or what, but I would have sworn I had learned it through a few past life lessons.  I'd like to volunteer for the next easy life lesson.  Not sure why all the crappiest tests and the ones nobody wants to take seem to be up for grabs when my turns comes back around. :)

IVF - Day 41

Today has been a much better day...much better. Whew!

I woke up, did my all my morning meds, worked on our never-ending laundry and then made a menu...complete with a grocery list.  Mike worked until 4am, so he slept until noon or so.  I got in the shower...which I guess is what woke him up.  I heard him drag his tired body into the bathroom...and the all of a sudden he was standing on the tub peering over the top of the shower at me.  It made me smile...for some reason, we seem to have a lot of conversations this way.  I guess working strange hours and that are normally opposite of each other will do this. :)

We both made ourselves presentable and headed to Costco and then to Fry's.  We ran into a couple we know (we work with 1/2 the couple) at Costco...we talked to them for a few minutes and seemed like we had been friends forever...or could be better friends?  She is due with a little girl in October...and she doesn't even look pregnant.  If I hadn't known, I would have thought she was lying...Geez I wish I had genes like that. :) 

We barely know this amazing couple, yet they we generous enough to donate some items to our fundraising garage sale.  One of the coolest/nicest things ever. See...there are nice people in the world...still. :)

We finally made it home.  We unloaded the groceries and I started cooking.  I love it...not that I am some great recipe creator, but I do love to cook.  I made my homemade Minestrone soup,  my homemade chicken noodle soup and a yummy Chili to get us through the majority of the week. 

I love soup, but I normally space it out a bit so we don't only eat soup during the week.  I was just trying to think of things that would keep okay, be good reheated and not be too filling while I am flat on my back for a few days.  Oh...and easy for my caretakers to fix for me. :)  Plus, I was able to freeze a good amount of all three for a few weeks from now when I don't feel like cooking.

I am so excited and so completely nervous for tomorrow morning.  I hope those little embryos get in there and hang on for dear life.  Everyone says not to invest too much in this, but I have to admit, we have invested every emotion known to us.  We can't help it.  We want this so badly.

It has to work, right?

IVF - Day 40

Day 40.

I'm on my second day of PIO (progesterone in oil) injections.  So far I've only had to do three of these injections.  I pray I am doing them right.  Yep- I said that right.  I hope I am doing them correctly.  We started out the first time with Mike doing them.  But then he got held over...so I had to do the second one.  I figured after that...I might as well just do 'em myself.

Two the first day, one a day after that...I was thinkin' it was no big deal.  Until tonight.  My backside HURTS.  And for fun...it hurts on both sides since I have to alternate.

Don't get excited...my fun doesn't start and stop with a long needle once a day.  I also get to continue my anti-biotic (until Monday morning...the day of the transfer) 1 pill 2x a day, my PNV (pre-natal vitamins) 2 pills 1x a day, Prednisone 1 pill 2x a day,  a folic acid supplement 2 pills 1x a day, an estrogen patch and my thyroid meds every morning.  The list doesn't sound long enough...I'm sure I forgot something.

I have felt so "Ha! IVF is a breeze!" since day 1.  Yes, I gained some weight...and it made me miserable, but the shots and the pills and the every-other-day-probing never made me feel "bad".  My stomach bloated, but until the very end...err...now...I never felt awful.  I have read story after story about how awful I would feel...and nothing.  I felt a thrilling sense of accomplishment that stinkin' IVF wouldn't get me down.

Then day 40 hit.  Well...I have felt like absolute $%&# since day 38, but today has been the worst day so far.  I haven't felt myself since the ER.  I don't know if I am being a wuss, or if I am supposed to feel this lousy, but I hurt.

Not to mention my emotions are a little...off. 

Up. Down. Up. Down.

I am praying my body is healthy enough to do the transfer Monday morning.  I hope everything I am feeling is normal. And that today was just a terrible, no good, very bad day.

No moving to Australia with the big transfer on Monday.  (and a messy house with laundry that isn't doing itself.)

Fingers & Toes

Raelynn has been having me paint her toenails every couple weeks since February.  I love it.  It makes her look very girly...

Today she came over to keep me company and asked me to paint her fingernails!! 

With pink paint on her fingers...no idiot will mistake her for a boy now!! Ha!!

IVF - Day 39

The lab called this morning around 11am with good news.

We had 16 eggs at retrieval...which we were thrilled with.  We knew not all of them would make it, but it was a great number to start with.  13 of the 16 eggs were mature.  Of the 13 mature eggs, 12 fertilized!!

We are thrilled with these numbers.  If we were criers...we'd have cried and cried.  Instead of crying, we started off our day with my first shot of progesterone.  I iced the area on my hip and Mike did the injection.

It didn't hurt at all.  I was happily surprised...and I think Mike was too.  I told Mike I was concerned we didn't do it right.  I think it should have hurt a little?

Oh well.  We have to do another one tonight and then one a day from now on.  I also have to use a progesterone cream...lovely.  I think it's my least favorite part of this (and the IUI) process.  Okay..not my least favorite, but close. :)  There are just so many least fave moments to choose from during this whole infertile process.

IVF - Day 38, Cycle Day 13 (egg retrieval)

Today was the big day!!

Mike & I woke up super early (at about 5:30am) and got ready to make the drive to Tempe.  It really isn't that far, but 40 minutes seems far when you'd rather be sleeping.

We arrived at Dr. B's office a few minutes early (I know...don't have a heart attack) and checked in to the out-patient surgery center attached to the clinic.  They quickly took me back and started prepping me for the procedure.

Danielle was the nurse who helped me today...she either didn't think we were funny...or didn't know if it was appropriate to laugh with us.  We have tried to make this whole situation as stress free as we can...and our odd sense of humor and our craving to be realists with as little drama as possible can throw people off.  Laugh or cry, right?  We choose to laugh...and if it takes making sarcastic jokes at the wrong times then sobeit.

After I got changed, we went over a bunch of paperwork...mostly just stuff about what I can and can't do, the meds, the actual procedure...all the dumb stuff you go over when having an out-patient surgery. :)

Dr. B came back to talk to us...we wish she was going to be our OB after all this.  We truly love her.  I think she is amazing...and so sweet to us.  She told us everything looked great and went over a few things about our follicles with us.  We took a quick picture and she was off to prep herself for the procedure. 

As she was walking away, Mike asked her to watch and see if I kick my leg while I am knocked out.  He says I kick my leg all night...every night.  So he was curious if I would kick while under anesthesia.  Dr. B laughed and said she would watch for it.  She said she's never been kicked or peed on...so she was interested to see what my legs would do. 

When I got taken back, Mike was taken to take care of his...um...business.  I was out cold pretty quickly and in recovery before I knew what happened.  I don't remember Dr. B coming to talk to me, but she spoke to Mike and let him know she was able to retrieve 16 eggs.  We were both pleased with that number.  We know not all of the will make it, but we are happy to be starting with a high number.  It did make me relax a teensy bit to hear the number 16.

Dr. B was also happy to let Mike know I did kick my leg...my right leg.  Damn.  One of the nurses told me he thought I was waking up because I started kicking my leg.  Damn again. We got a good laugh out of it...and I guess I'm a leg kicker.  Sorry, Babe.

Mike loaded me up into the car and drove me home.  I slept the entire way...and then for many hours after I crawled back into my comfy bed.

IVF - Day 37, Cycle Day 12

Today was pretty boring.  I worked too many hours and got home late...I brought a huge stack home with me so I can type while I am stuck on the couch for the next several days.  I am supposed to stay stress free...so for me that means no work.  Well....getting behind (or further behind) on work is even more stressful, so I thought I would bring home some stuff I am behind on that just needs to be written.

Mike was not happy with my pile-o-paperwork on the kitchen table, but I need to keep busy or I will go nuts.

I got a second call from Dr. B's office about what I needed to do for the ER tomorrow.  They have told me not to wear make-up at least 10 times...I finally had to ask who in their right mind would wear make-up to an out-patient surgical procedure.  All she said was, "You'd be surprised."  Seriously...who is getting dolled up for this crap?  LOL  I might wear my pj's...and no scented lotion. :)

Other than that, my day was pretty boring.  The only drug I had to take today other than my thyroid med was an anti-biotic.

I am excited for tomorrow morning...and a little nervous too. :)

IVF - Day 36, Cycle Day 11 (trigger day)

I went in for my daily probing...err...I mean daily ultrasound today and was surprised to hear the tech say, "WOW!  Your ovaries are touching!"  That definitely explained the discomfort I was feeling.  Everything looked great...lots of follicles.

I took this last weekend.  I am even more swollen/bloated now...good times. :)  My belly was flat before this...I'm guessing it won't be flat again for some time.  Can't wait for a baby!!

She finished the ultrasound, I made my appointment for Thursday and left.  A few hours later, I received a phone call from the IVF coordinator who happily informed me that Dr. B wanted my trigger at 8pm.  I was pretty excited to be done injecting all the hormones, but I also felt very anxious...we've been trying for long and now we are getting so close.  I'm nervous and excited...and anxious and scared.

Well...I had to do my trigger shot at the boys' baseball game.  Carsen & Jake played at 7pm and Derek's playoff game started at 7:30pm.  Good thing the fields were next to each other.  Carsen & Jake's team won their last game.  Derek's team lost.  It's been a long season...but a fun season.

I am scheduled for ER on Thursday morning at 8am.  That will be the end of the no injections...and the beginning of the painful daily injections.  Oh well...gets us to where we need to be, so I guess it's all worth it.

IVF - Day 35, Cycle Day 10

When I woke up this morning, I began to dread the "getting ready" process.  It's becoming the norm for me.  The last time getting out of bed and getting ready was an every day ordeal was about 10 years ago when I was way overweight and I had to wear Kyle's clothes when I wasn't at work. 

I don't think I ever realized MY clothes didn't fit...until after the funeral.  I saw my bloody clothes and realized they were his.  18 months had passed quickly...and so had the pounds.

I lost a lot of weight just from the diet of grieving.  Then the hard part came- I had to work my buns off in the gym.  I started with jogging and crunches.  I didn't move into the gym until after I passed the physical with DPS & Phoenix.  My background investigator with DPS made it clear I needed to be able to do push-ups, but not on my knees when I started the academy.

After she left my house, I got in my car and drove directly to the closest gym and ordered up a personal trainer that would "try to kill me".  I met Kim the next day...and saw her several days a week for the next few months.  She kicked my butt and I loved every second of it.

I am hoping after all this baby weight I can talk her into trying to kill me again!!

Anywho...I got ready, did my injections and then headed upstairs for the morning struggle of trying to find something that fits.  I finally found an item in each category that didn't bulge and headed out the door for Dr. B's office.

At Disneyland for Christmas ~ 2009...the best tradition we have ever started.

I picked up Richelle and Sydney first...then drove east.  I thought Sydney might get a kick out of the ultrasound...and she did.  My largest follicle today was a 19 and my smallest (measured) was a 13.  The PA said they were growing a bit slow, but said that was okay.  Since I have so many, we will be patient.  I am still hoping to trigger ovulation Tuesday or Wednesday...ER would be Thursday or Friday.  The transfer would be Monday or Tuesday.

I am getting anxious.  I am tired of all of this...the driving to Tempe, the getting probed nearly everyday, the multiple needles a day, the hormones weight, etc.  I don't feel crazy...which is good.  I guess I should feel nuts already.  I'm thankful I don't.

After my appointment, we drove a little further east to have lunch with my grandma for her birthday.  Robyn met us out there and we had a nice visit.  Then we headed to find me some clothes that fit...to eliminate the every-morning-struggle.

Sadly, ended up buying maternity clothes.  My belly is so swollen, so regular clothes hurt...and my waist is still smaller than my growing too big hips and thighs, so nothing is fitting correctly.  I did find some new tops that fit better and a new bra that actually fits my chest...these hormones are doing very strange things to my body- all of it.

It was a productive day.  I had a good time with my sisters (and Sydney too)...as always.  I ended up on the couch with Mike. 

So the day was win for me.

Having sushi in California for my 28th birthday...

IVF - Day 34, Cycle Day 9

Mike & I woke up at the crack of dawn to make out Ultrasound appointment in Tempe.  We got in late from Dave's party, so when our alarms went off at 7am...we were hurtin'. 

Our appointment went well.  I had my blood drawn and then the ultrasound.  My biggest follicle was almost 19mm...and my right still has the most and the biggest.

I have another ultrasound tomorrow morning.  I can't wait to be done with the pin cushion portion of this process...and the driving a kabillion miles each time.  If gas wasn't an outrageous price, it wouldn't bother me at all.  I will be driving out there (no matter what the price of gas is) every day until our ER.

This afternoon my BFF's from the academy came over for dinner.  Mike & Julie brought their three little girls and Matt & Jeannette brought their two kiddos.  I love this group more than I can say.  We don't see each other nearly enough...we have each grown so much since Class 375.  It is so fun to see them and their families.  They married incredible women...and have beautiful babies.

I learned tonight that those two had a nickname for me in the academy...one I never knew about.  They called me "cheeks".  Ya know...like butt cheeks.  I guess I became known as cheeks because I ran in the front of our class during PC...for 16 weeks.  I take it as a compliment.  And I wish my cheeks still looked like they did when I was in Class 375. :)

IVF - Day 33, Cycle Day 8

Today was Mike's 38th birthday.  A good friend of ours (named Dave) had a surprise 30th birthday party planned by his family, so I got out of making weekend plans this year...which was disappointing.

Dave & Mike

Mike got a hair cut and I made my yummy tomato soup for Richelle (oral surgery)...other than that we spent the afternoon being lazy and getting ready for the party.  We are usually RUNNING, so having a lazy afternoon together was actually really nice.

Dave was given a package of Depends...so all the guys thought they'd try them on.  Too funny.

The party was great and Dave was really surprised.  The food was yummy...especially the cake pops and the chocolate chip cookies with oreos inside.  Yep...an entire oreo baked inside the cookie.  I need to get the recipe.  Yum.  The cake pops were also very tasty.  I had a mint chocolate one dipped in brown chocolate and a funfetti cake pop dipped in white chocolate.  Worth every calorie.

After the majority of people left the party, the XBOX 360 with Kinect was turned on.  Mike was the hit of the party with his dance moves.  I loved every second of it.

IVF - Day 31 & 32, Cycle Day 6 & 7

On Thursday, I had my blood drawn again.  Dr. B lowered my Follistim again too.  Other than that, the day was pretty boring.  I got called out, so I worked until almost 11pm...and we had to let the guy go.  It's no fun to arrest someone and then based on the case realize it's better to let him go...for now.  Oh well.

On Friday, we drove out to Dr. B's office for an ultrasound and more blood work.  This ultrasound showed about 20 follicles in my right ovary (the biggest was 13.45 mm and the smallest she measured was around 8 mm).  My left ovary is hiding behind my uterus, so she counted as many as she could find, but I don't remember what the final count was...or the sizes.  They were a little smaller still than the ones in my right ovary.

Our estimated date for ER is next Thursday or Friday.  We have another ultrasound Sunday morning...that will give us a better estimated date for retrieval.  I was hoping to be ready to do the ER at the earliest possible moment, but it looks like we will be towards the end of the possible moments.

I also made our first loan payment today.  Only 59 more of those...hopefully we can start shoveling any extra money towards the debt and gt it paid off more quickly.  It is definitely something I don't want to look at for the next five years. :)

By the end of Friday, Dr. B had changed my Follistim again.  I am just thankful they are monitoring me so closely...enough that they are open on a Sunday to make sure I don't hyper-stimulate.   

No big deal, we'll just keep doing what we're doing...and pray for the best outcome.

IVF - Day 30, Cycle Day 5

I had an ultrasound today and also had some blood work done.  During the ultrasound we counted follicles...I had nine good size follicles (good sized for where we are) in my right ovary and six or seven in my left...they were all a little smaller.

I asked how big my ovaries were.  She measured my right ovary to be about 2+ inches long and about an inch in width.  She said they will get much bigger...and that's when they will hurt more.  I laid there thinking how small that seemed compared to my mom's ovaries when she was diagnosed with cancer.  They first believed she had ovarian cancer because of how large her ovaries were (stupid colon cancer had spread EVERYWHERE). 

I remember hearing her ovaries were the size of large grapefruits.  Ouch.  Lying there looking at my own ovaries made me wonder how my mom endured so much pain for so many months when no doctors would help her.  I just shook my head...I hope I am as strong as my mom.  I hope I can endure all of this just a fraction of how well as she endured to the end.

Everything looked good, and I felt very satisfied about our follicle count, for now.  I was interested to see how many would be growing...since some people get to this point and have their cycle cancelled because there are none or too few to make it all worth it. 

I officially feel like a pin cushion today. My belly is swollen and tender...much more than before.  Richelle even said she could tell my belly was bigger than this weekend (when I made her look at it everyday).  I am only uncomfortable while I am dressed...and I am really uncomfortable from about dinner time on.  I feel pretty good when I wake up, so I'm not sure what that all means.  I am not complaining...just reporting.  From what the nurses all say, I am feeling a lot better than many other women at this stage.  I am thankful for that. 

Dr. Behera changed up my meds this afternoon after going over my blood work and my ultrasound.  She lowered my dose of Follistim, but leave everything else the same.  I also go back for more blood work tomorrow, and again on Friday, along with a another ultrasound.  Can you say huge gas bill...driving to Tempe is getting very expensive.  Better than flying out to the doctor and paying for hotels, which is what a lot of couples end up having to do.  So no complaints.

I finally googled "baby names"...I looked at a few sites for about 20 minutes and then I was over it.  I don't want to get my hopes up too high and then be even more disappointed, so I decided we should wait to look at names.  We already like two boy names and one girl name...not sure we'll use that one though.

I really do miss the time when we first started out on this journey to be parents.  We were so excited...we talked about the nursery and names and all the other new and exciting crap forever.  After months and months...we stopped talking about it all so much.  Before we decided to do an IVF cycle, we hadn't talked about it in months...nothing fun any way. 

We seem to be slowly letting ourselves have a teensy bit more fun with this whole thing, but I couldn't even bring myself to buy baby clothes at the Gymboree Outlet in San Fran.  Not that I don't have a few of those already...I just can't seem to cut the tape on the excitement box just yet.

It is still very hard to hear about friends and family getting pregnant...finding out what they're having...having the baby...etc.  We are so excited for them, but it is so incredibly hard...not because they are happy, but because we can't seem to figure out what everyone else has.  I believe we will get there, if that's what is supposed to happen, but they aren't lying when they say infertility is HARD.

IVF - Day 29, Cycle Day 4

Today I woke up feeling bleh.  Last Friday, I woke up with a sore throat, but it wasn't actually sore.  When I travel, my allergies seem to act up...causing drainage.  I didn't have my netti pot with me, so I just got over it.  Unfortunately, some times when I decided to "just get over it" I pay in the long run.  My sinus cavities don't drain right, so I swear if I don't hit up the netti pot immediately, I get a stupid sinus infection.  I don't know if I am at the infection point yet, but I felt like crap when I woke up.

I am still in bed...and I still feel like crap.  I am going to have to "just get over it" tomorrow morning.  I can't miss anymore work...especially since I may have to be off all of next week...depending on our ER date/ET date.

Wow...it could be next week. That is so exciting!!

Tomorrow I have another ultrasound...and Mike has training.  So I will be going solo.  I am interested to see what my follicles are doing...

IVF - Day 28, Cycle Day 3

This morning Richelle and I woke up early (okay...at 8am) to get ready for the day, pack and head to he airport. 

Before leaving the hotel, I had to do all my meds.  I always take my Thyroid med as soon as a I wake up.  After I was up and mostly ready, I started doing my injections.  I did the Lupron. I did the Follistim.  And then I had to start the Menopur.  The Menopur has to be mixed, so there is a little device that snaps onto the top of the Sodium Chloride vial.  I suck out all the liquid with a syringe and then attach the device to the vial of powder.  Once the medicine is mixed, I attach a needle to the syringe, and draw the liquid into the syringe....and then inject the medicine into my belly. 

The needle/syringes that came with the Lupron are tiny and the measurements are in units.  The syringes I got with the Menopur were in ml...but the dosage was listed in units.  I should have called Dr. Behera's office and asked what the correct amount in ml's was, but instead I used a needle that came with the Lupron.  That syringe was only large enough for 50 units, so I injected myself with 50 units and then again with 25 units...totalling the 75 units I was directed to administer everyday.  There was at least half of the medicine left in the vial...which bothered me.  But...we were running late (okay...just me...like usual), so I kept the remainder of the meds and finished getting ready.

Our plane was scheduled to leave at 11:25am, so we hopped on the shuttle from the hotel to the airport at about 9:30am.  We arrived at the airport to find the longest lines for check-in.  Both inside and outside...the lines were LONG.  As we waited in line, we overheard someone say our flight had been delayed.  Ugh...then she said it had been delayed until 1:45...ugh.

Considering we were supposed to land at 1:30pm, I had an appointment at Dr. Behera's office at 2:30pm and Carsen & Jake had a baseball game at 5pm...we just wanted to get home.  It was hard to complain though...so many people in line with us were going to miss their connecting flights in Phoenix, so our appointment delays weren't all that serious.

We found good, comfortable seats near our gate and got some good (by airport standards) food.  We both settled in for the several hours of waiting with our iPads.  I have to make a confession:  I don't love mine...and I'm pretty sure I will be returning it.  I can't blog (google isn't Apple's BFF) and I can't upload photos to FB via the iPad.  Those are two of the main things I wanted it for. I wanted it to take the place of my bulky laptop, but if I can't blog from it and I can't even upload pictures, then I can do everything else I want from my phone.  I don't need an $800+ device to play games....games that I can get or already have for free on my DROID.

So I am trying to decided what to do.  I am going to return the iPad.  Do I spend a couple hundred more dollars and get a laptop from the Apple store...or do I get the Mini Mac and hook it up to the TV?  Ugh.  I am stumped.  I am getting to the point I will need a new laptop soon...which is what I was hopeful the iPad would take it's place. 

Oh well.

Anywho...once our plane arrived, we boarded and had a nice flight home.  We landed and drove like crazy to get to Dr. Behera's office...I just needed my Day 3 blood work done, so no biggie.  I asked the medical assistant (and not the best phlebotomist...ouch!) about the correct amount of Menopur I should be taking with the syringe measured in ml's...

Turns out...I should have taken the entire vial of Menopur...and although I kept the remaining Menopur, I had not kept it refrigerated, so it was not good any longer. Damn.  What a waste.

We left the doctor's office and drove like crazy to get Richelle to the boys' baseball game. I dropped her off...and really wanted to stay, but knew I really wanted to see Mike.  So I left her with her cute little family and drove north a few miles to see my cute little family.

We splurged and went to dinner so we didn't have to cook...er...go to the grocery store and then cook.  We had a nice time sitting across from each other and just chatted about our (separate) trips.  It was nice.

On the way home, we stopped at the grocery store and then headed home.  I had to finish taking the remaining dose of the Menopur.  I mixed the medicine, took out the amount I had already injected, and then injected the remaining amount.  That mistake marked the 5th time I had to inject myself in one day...with the blood work I had done my total was six, but five in my belly.  I am almost out of non-bruised places to keep doing this.

IVF - Day 27, Cycle Day 2

This morning we slept in LATE.  It was nice...

After we woke up and got going, we headed to the BART station.  I love mass transit...I try to use the mass transit when I travel just to enjoy it and then think how stupid Arizona is...we are SO far behind.  So far, I think DC is still my fave for transit reasons (and many others).  Denver is a close second.

The Transamerica Pyramid...

After studying the map, we decided the BART wouldn't drop us off where we wanted to be...so we hopped back in our car and drove.  I was sad not to ride the BART, but it was freezing outside, so I was perfectly content to get back in the car where there was no wind.

On the cable cars...

We drove to Ghirardelli Square and found a spot to park.  We debated about having ice cream for lunch, but decided we should go back to Boudin one more time.  I didn't get my bread bowl with clam chowder this time.  We ended up sharing some sandwiches and a pizza (made with sourdough crust- YUM!).  We also got some bread to take home...some for us and more for my dad.  He'll be happy to have some of his favorite Sourdough.

After we ate (and froze with the wind), we walked back towards Ghirardelli Square...and the ice cream sundaes.  We picked a few gifts along the way and then shared a Gold Rush sundae (peanut butter and hot fudge with vanilla ice cream, whip cream and a cherry).  We walked back to the car and headed back to the hotel to relax...

I cannot wait for the next movie to come out in July!!

Since I am sitting her blogging, I will mention that I really like my new iPad, but I need to take the class at the Apple Store or something...I tried to blog on it, but it said I needed the current version of Safari. Um...it's only 2 days old, so if it isn't current...I won't be able to keep up with technology- ever.

IVF - Day 26, Cycle Day 1

Today started our Cycle count (per my calendar that lists my meds needed each day).  I also started the Follistim and the folic acid supplement...and I reduced the amount of Lupron I am injecting every day.  I am getting ready to post a belly picture...lots of bruises. Ugh. I am not uncomfortable yet, just a little tender from the bruising.  Clothes are starting to be less and less comfortable to wear around my waist because of it, but since I can't work naked...I guess it is what it is. :)

In about 10 days we (finally) having the egg retrieval procedure...I can't wait.  I feel really impatient, but I have been waiting my entire life, so I guess it's not really that impatient.

After I injected myself this morning, we headed out for a day at Alcatraz and to spend some time at he Warf. 

I have always wanted to go to Alcatraz, but I've never made it there until now.  I was pretty excited...Richelle wasn't as excited because she did the Alcatraz thing last summer. 

The sign you see as you get off the boat...the "Indian" writing is from when a group of Native Americans moved to Alcatraz after the penitentry was closed down...long story.

The water tower...

The cell house...it was never filled to capacity.  "The average number of prisoners was 260, and the maximum was 302.  There were 336 remodeled cells available." ~ Golden Gate National Parks Conservancy

Where the new guys were issued their new stuff...

More issued stuff...

We only spent about three hours on the island before I was ready to head back and find some food.  I bet I got about 1/2 way through everything there is to see, but I'm sure I will be back to see the rest, so it's all good.  What I did learn was very interesting...I highly recommend visiting this piece of American history.

A complete cell with everything an inmate was issued...

At work, we refer to the row I sit on as "C Block"...so this was fitting.

San Fran in the distance...

A view of the city...

When we were back at the dock, we headed for the Boudin Bakery so I could feast on fresh sourdough bread bowls with clam chowder.  It was warm and delicious!!  I remember my dad's best friend (since HS), Aksel, always bringing and/or sending my dad fresh bread from this place.  When I was a kid, I didn't care for it...now I can't get enough of it.  (Or any bread...for that matter.)

The weather was typical Bay weather...warm and sunny, then windy and COLD...and then the cycle starts over.  I wore my heavy coat and a scarf all day.  I also wore my gloves when I thought I could get away with it...not to mention the long sleeved shirt and lighter jacket I have on underneath my heavy coat.  haha...I am such a Phoenix girl.

We ate as much food as we could shovel in and then walked around Pier 39.  I hadn't been to the Fisherman's Warf since my Aunt Janice died...and that was forever ago.  I had my first shrimp cocktail with my mom on that trip, and I have loved that treat ever since.  I hadn't even been to downtown San Fran since my cousin Rebecca got married in November 2000.  Needless to say, it was fun to come back...and now I can't wait to come back again with Mike.

We got our fill of the Warf area, so we drove to Lombard Street...that was cool.  

Lomard Street in San Fra i's the world's  "crookedest street"

Next, we headed towards the Golden Gate Bridge...stopped for a photo or two and then drove up to some outlets.  I was bored, but Richelle got a couple items...then we headed towards the hotel via the Bay Bridge (for a second trip across it). 

It was SOO windy!! :)

We pulled into In-N-Out for a late dinner and then quickly fell asleep after a long day filled with a lot of walking.

IVF - Day 25

Friday morning we woke up and headed out to see the sights.  I have been to this area of the country many times in  my life, but not so much since I've been an adult.  My Uncle Eric & Aunt Jeanne live in the Bay area, and my dad lived near here during his high school years...

A long time ago, right after my mom died, my dad, Raelynn and I came here for Jen's wedding.  During that trip, my dad drove us around his old neighborhood and showed up a few sites that, at the time, didn't seem very significant.  Geez...what a brat.  16, a dead mother, a boyfriend at home, and a dad that I only got along with intermittently. 

Oh how I wish I would have asked more questions and spent more time caring.

Richelle and I spent 48 hours (or less?) in Seattle last year when Grammy died...we drove like crazy around that beautiful city finding places significant to my mother's life.  So, we decided to do that again...for my dad's life.  Richelle was here with my dad last summer, so she did have a story or two to share with me...that was nice. 

We found the house my dad lived in during is high school days in San Mateo.  We found his high school, Hillsdale, that he graduated from 50 years ago in 1961.  Richelle also found us another house my dad lived in...this one was in South San Francisco.  I have to say, I was glad it was daylight when we were driving through this neighborhood.  Yikes!

After our sightseeing tour, we headed downtown to find some food and to do some shopping.  We were very indecisive about our food intake, so we shared some pizza and a Coke...hoping that would hold us over until we found something good to eat. 

Along the way, we happened upon an Apple store.  I thought we might, so I had my gift cards and envelope with my savings (from birthday and Christmas) in it.  We walked in and they actually had the exact model I was hoping for!!  Well...it was 32g, not the 16g, but I think having a bigger one will be better in the long run.  The worker bee helped me get it all set-up and then we were off to another adventure.

We did A LOT more driving and picked up some Chipotle before heading back to hotel for a soak in the hot tub.

IVF - Day 24

Before Richelle and I headed to the airport, she took me to get some blood work done and to have my baseline ultrasound.  Although I have been keeping track of our IVF cycle since the first day on my calendar of meds, our actual cycle day one is May 14th...according to the chart.  That's the day I start the Follistim, the additional folic acid supplements and continue with everything else I am currently taking.

Everything went well at the FTC, like always.  Everything looked good, so we are still on track for everything.  So, as of now, we are on track for egg retrieval to be around May 23 - May 25...with the embryo transfer four days after the retrieval.

I am anxious about a lot of what's going on, but I am also at peace with all of this.  It's still surprising to me that we are really having to do this to have a baby...and I am still learning how this whole process works.  Luckily, Dr. Behera has made everything run very smoothly so far...so I have no complaints.

IVF - Day 23

So my sisters and I enjoy taking a quick get-away from life together every now and then…or as often as possible. We feel like it builds our bond and keeps us going forward and doing all that needs done everyday…with a quick break from life, we feel refreshed and de-stressed…and ready to tackle the next task. This isn’t to say we don’t enjoy a nice weekend with our spouses, it’s just different.

A few weeks ago, I was whining to Richelle about my lengthy to-do list and about how overwhelmed I felt…with the up-coming IVF cycle and then pregnancy on top of EVERYTHING else going on (and this doesn’t even begin to touch work). I told her I just needed a break. Turns out she felt the same way.

It’s a long story, but we decided to head out of town for a mostly-free weekend adventure. I got home from work last night and figured out I had better start packing…and gathering my meds. Who knew packing for a long weekend could cause so much stress?

I gathered my meds and made a list of what I needed each day…counted out enough syringes, needles, alcohol pads, pills, etc. I loaded all my meds into a bag to keep cool (some of the meds need refrigerated) and placed all the needles in my suitcase. Once that was all organized, I headed upstairs to tackle the “easy” part.

I had no idea what I was getting myself in to.

I have gained seven pounds since I started injections. I realize most of this is water weight, but it is adding inches to my body, so it counts as weight to me. It will be freezing where we are going, so I needed to pack warm clothes…and I suffered through last winter with only a few things that fit. I just couldn’t bring myself to spend a ton of money on clothes to wear for one season…not knowing what size I will be next year and the year after. I hope to need maternity clothes next winter and I pray to be back in my old clothes by the next winter. One can hope, right?

I struggled through trying on jeans…on, off, on off. I couldn’t breathe in most of them…even my “fat” pants. What a nightmare. It was 9:30pm by this point, so pretty much everywhere was closed…and I was frustrated*angry*andeverythingelse too.

I ran to Target and bought a few things and then went home and tossed a bunch of crap in the suitcase, closed it up and started getting ready for bed. I turned the shower on and then used the restroom…just #1. When I came out, I noticed the toilet wasn’t acting right…

We’ve had a few problems lately with our master bathroom toilet, so I didn’t think too much of it at first. It’s never overflowed…it always stops running and acting crazy before it gets too far. Plus, Mike’s always home when the toilet acts stupid…or I just wait for him to get home to fix the stupidity.

All of a sudden…the toilet started making a noise I hadn’t heard before. I think it was the toilet alerting someone that the end is near and towels will be needed...cause after I heard that noise, the next thing I heard was water pouring onto the floor. Ugh. I grabbed some towels, threw them in the mess and ran for the phone. Luckily, Mike was pulling in the driveway…and luckily the toilet had stopped running AS it started overflowing, so only half the bathroom flooded.

I will be honest- I don’t ask Mike for a lot help to complete projects. For the most part, I feel perfectly capable of taking care of any task around the house. I did my own yard work (when I had a yard), I hang pictures, I paint, I go to Home Depot and purchase what I need and come home and make or build what I want…I rarely feel like I “need” help…however, I have NEVER had toilet issues in the 13+ years I have been living on my own/owned my own home. I only remember having one toilet issue when I lived with my parents, but I’m sure over the course of my life there were plenty I don’t remember about. I didn’t even own a plunger until Nick moved in with me in Chandler. So toilet issues are solely Mike’s to deal with…

I didn’t even have to whine to get Mike to take care of the entire problem AND mop the floor while I got ready for bed. He knew I was having a rough night and totally stepped up. I appreciated the help more than I can express.

IVF - Day 22

This morning I inflicted the first painful injection "oops" on myself.  My belly is pretty sore already (not to sound like a total wuss).  I told myself yesterday that it was starting to be painful because I wasn't going fast enough...so I vowed to be quicker with the needle.

I sterilized the area and got everything ready.  I pinched my skin and just went for it.  I must have been holding the needle at too much of an angle...I swear I "heard" an awful sound, but I'm sure I just felt it.  I don't know how to describe what I heard/felt, but it wasn't right.  The needle went through my skin on the top layers and then back out...the length of the needle wasn't actually under more than a few layers of skin...does that make sense?  It was awful and it hurt like hell.

It bruised pretty good...and hurts like a mother.

I quickly pulled the needle out and did it the right way.

I now think I go plenty fast.  Tomorrow I will probably go a smidge slower...and verify my angle before jabbing myself.

I am getting pretty excited about multiple injections a day...not really.

*****

On a non-infertility related topic:

One night a few weeks ago, the doorbell rang.  I wasn't expecting anyone, so I peered through the peep-hole quickly before I slid the key into the deadbolt.  As I glanced outside, I could see a Phoenix Police car parked on the curb, but the officer standing just on the other side of my door was not Mike.

I am not a wife that spends needless time worrying about her husband while he's at work.  I do the same job, so the dangers I know Mike faces are always on my mind.  I never think about him getting hurt and I never dwell on the truth: he may never come home.  Our job is what it is...no reason to over-think it.  I've been there, done that already in my life, so I keep a large amount of faith that Mike will be protected because the Lord knows I won't can't don't want to do it again.

As the 1/2 a second between the peep-hole and me opening the door passed, my heart broke...it literally dropped to the floor...or jumped in my throat...or maybe both. 

I'm not sure which. 

I was immediately so overcome with fear that my ears turned purple...like they do when I'm embarrassed or very angry...or forced to dance in front of anyone...including myself.  

I swung the door open, expecting to hear, "I need you to come with me."   I saw an officer I've met briefly a few times...he works on Mike's squad and he's brought me a few suspects from time to time.

My mind raced as our heavy wood door swung all the way open..."Why was Andy here and not Tom?  Isn't Tom the one who is supposed to come get me?  It can't be that bad if it's not Tom.  Maybe he's been in a collision.  Maybe he was in a shooting or a fight, and is hurt...but not dead?  I hope they killed whoever shot him...or at him..??  ...omg I hope I get to shoot the guy that shot him!!  Maybe..." 

Oh my gosh I could actually feel my ears getting hot.

Once the door was open, I said "Hi" to Andy and waited to hear what he was going to tell me. "Just breathe," I told myself...and then from out of the darkness  He must have sensed something wasn't right...cause he just stood there letting me look at him...probably thinking I was looking behind him...because right in front of me...there was Mike.  He wasn't hiding...or playing tricks.  He simply was out of my immediate view, wearing all black in the pitch black of night and somewhat behind Andy.

All the thoughts my mind raced through in a matter of maybe one complete second...all the questions...all the anxiety...all the anger...all the fear...all the emptiness...  

Before that night, I had never once in my relationship felt so much emotion over something I don't spend any time thinking about.  I remember the night Mike and his partner were in their shooting...we had just started seeing each other, but I wouldn't even call it that...we had gone out in a group setting a few times and I knew I liked him.  So naturally, with Mike being my friend, I was worried when the "998" came across the radio in his area...and I was thrilled to hear he and his partner we okay...just as I am every time I hear the good guys are safe.

But I have never experienced all those feelings as a wife.  I left the street before we were married, so I never worked with him in that capacity...as his wife.

It was a new experience. 

One I hope to never have again.