She Loves Mom

I am soaking up every minute of this 12 weeks off work with her that I possibly can.  I am loving being home, finally feeling human, and starting to get into a routine.  I have two babies.  And one of them is a girl...a daughter.  I have a daughter.  It's so amazing...hard to believe this is all real.  A few years ago we thought we might not have any children, and now we have two perfect angels.  Life is definitely not what you think it should be, but it is amazing how it all turns out.

Her Birth Story

Somewhere around the 28-30 week mark I had an ultrasound and received the news that my baby girl was breech.  At first I didn't panic...she had plenty of time to turn. But as the weeks passed I started to internally panic about having a c-section.  I did not want any part of any c-section.  In my mind I absolutely refused to have one.  I didn't want one.  I wanted to give birth to this baby and have a similar life altering experience...just like I had with Blip.

I longed for those hours in the delivery room since the day I gave birth to my son.  I couldn't wait to do it again.  Weird.  I know, but it's the truth.  I loved every single second of those 18 hours of labor.  I loved the feelings I had while I pushed.  I loved how I felt when I heard my baby make his first sounds...and they placed him on my chest.  I had never felt so alive.  Or accomplished.  Or strong.  Those were truly the most amazing moments of my entire life.  

And I wanted all of it again...one more time.  

One last time.

I knew using both of our frozen embryos to get pregnant this time meant it was surely my last pregnancy.  Mike is getting ready to turn 42 and starting over would mean another loan.  And it would mean the emotional roller coaster of IVF again.  I doubt either one of us is up for that ride (or monthly payment) again.  We agreed that #2 would be it.  There is a part of me that wants more...mostly because I always wanted a bigger family, but deep down I know this needs to be it.  Mike is content and does not want more children, so I need to come to terms with it, too.  I thought I was, but now...just two weeks after having my baby girl...I feel confused.  I'm hoping this passes.

Anywho...as the weeks wore on I tried everything under the sun to help my baby turn.  Chiropractic procedures, a version, acupuncture, laying upside down, etc.  You name it...I tried it.  Nothing worked.  By the time I hit the 38 week mark I felt defeated.  My c-section was scheduled...and that was that.  I had a few more ultrasounds to verify, but I could feel the baby's head just below my ribs (causing a bruise), so I didn't need the ultrasound to tell me I was headed for the OR.

We spent the weekend before trying to have some special time with Blip before his role as our only child ended.  And then the big day came.  We woke up and had breakfast before I wasn't allowed to eat prior to the surgery.  Blip went to school and Mike ran some errands, so I decided I would clean the house.  I had planned to take a nap, but I was too anxious/excited to sleep.  So I cleaned.  And then I got ready for our baby's arrival.  It felt strange to blow dry/straighten my hair and put make-up on to give birth, but I knew I wouldn't be doing any of the work this time.

I stepped on the scale one last time just to see how much weight I gained...exactly 50 lbs.  Better than I thought/felt.  And much better than the 90 lbs I gained while I was pregnant with Blip.  (Now I just need to lose 60 lbs to be back to my pre-fertility treatment weight.)

Mike and I drove to the hospital, checked in, and then walked upstairs to labor and delivery.  They escorted me back to room A...a small prep room.  A fraction of the size of a L&D room, but I just needed to be prepped for surgery.  Summer was my nurse.  Tera (Natty's sister) was the delivery nurse, so that helped ease my nerves.

To be honest...my dad gave me a blessing the night prior and I felt very much a peace.  I wasn't scared like I had been.  I was anxious, but mostly because I'd never had surgery before and I was going to have a baby!  I was happy that I felt so relaxed and finally had come to terms with having a c-section.

Dr. Tom arrived.  Mike's parents showed up.  Then my parents.  Then Natalie.  Then Amy.  That was it. No Rob (he was there while they prepped me and then had to leave).  No Erin.  No sisters.  My biggest disappointment.  Regina couldn't leave her kids, Robyn was out of town, and so was Richelle.  Erin was out of town.  Rob was teaching.  I was bummed, but was happy that Amy and Natalie were there.  Natty even got permission to be in the OR with me!  That made me feel a thousand times better.

Right around 4pm they walked me to the OR.  Alone.  Mike and Natty had to wait until I had my spinal and they were ready to proceed.  I remember feeling very happy...not afraid...as I walked into the most sterile looking room I had ever seen.  They had me sit on the table, so the Anesthesiologist could give me the spinal.  She wasn't ready.  So she prepped her stuff and made small talk with the other people in the room...it wasn't the conversation that bothered me, but the waiting...having that time to think in that cold, white room.  I could feel myself starting to feel anxious.  And nervous.  And then she finally started the spinal.  It took a long time (in my head).  I wasn't relaxed at all anymore, so one of the nurses came over and helped calm me back down.

Finally the spinal was done.  My body felt warm and tingly...very strange.  They had me lay back on the table.  By this point I wanted Mike.  I didn't want to have a c-section.  I was trying my best to calm myself down, but I was cold and felt very alone.  They placed something at my chest so I couldn't watch the surgery.  As that was being done, the Anesthesiologist wiped a cold wipe on my forehead and asked me if it was cold.  It was.  

She wiped it several other places on my belly, my leg, foot, etc and asked if it felt the same or different.  It wasn't cold, but I could definitely feel that she was wiping something on me.  That made me petrified.  I tried to tell her I could still feel her wiping something on me, and she tried to reassure me that if I couldn't feel the cold the spinal was working.  I, of course, didn't believe her, but as I was trying to protest I suddenly felt like I needed to vomit.  Like right now.

I looked over at the Anesthesiologist and told her I needed to throw-up.  I could hear her talking, but nothing was computing.  I felt so out of it...like everything was in super slow motion.  I was  terrified.  I had no idea what was happening.  I was alone.  I couldn't speak (or at least it felt that way) and all I could hear was the doctor telling the others that my blood pressure had dropped too low and that she was pushing ephedrine (that's what I remember hearing...not sure if that's what she was using).  My blood pressure was not coming back up, so she said she was pushing more ephedrine.

I didn't understand enough about what was happening, but I wanted to stop the entire thing and go home.  I never wanted a c-section and I just wanted to go home.  I remember thinking that I needed to tell them to stop, but I couldn't make my mouth say it.  As I was thinking how badly I wanted them to stop and let me leave, I also thought that if they let me leave I'd have to come back and do the same stupid thing all over again.  My baby was breech.  She wouldn't turn.  This was the only way to get her out.  I had no choice...this was it.  So I might as well suck it up and get it over with. 

This entire time Tera was holding my hand and telling me it would be okay, but I was so out of it...I felt so weird.

Around the time I was having those thoughts (in slow motion) I heard the Anesthesiologist tell Dr. Tom, "Just go."  And just like that...she started my c-section.  My blood pressure wasn't back to where it needed to be, so they just needed to get the baby out.

I started thinking by the sound of things that my scheduled c-section just turned into more than that...and Mike was going to miss the entire thing.  As I tried to fight back the tears of Mike missing our baby coming into the world, I heard his voice.  He came around that sheet (or whatever was making the wall between me and the rest of my body) I started bawling.  I was so relieved to see him...and I could hear Natty.  I had never been happier to hold Mike's hand.  I was honestly more afraid at that moment than I had ever been in my entire life.  I was afraid of what?  I'm not even sure.  I also felt so gipped.  I wanted to give birth to my baby.  Not have her ripped from me with no effort on my part. The whole thing broke my heart.

I could hear people saying they had feet...and a butt...and then she was out.  Without being able to see or feel anything I waited...waited to see her.  Waited to hear her.  Waited for...she wasn't making any noise.  The doctor reassured me that she was moving and flailing her arms...she just hadn't made any noise that we could hear.  She finally let out a cry.  I did not feel like myself.  I did not feel like I was present in that room. But I did feel complete relief at the sound of that cry.

Tera finally brought her to me.  I was too out of it to even want to hold her, but once she was wrapped up Tera laid her on my chest.  She left her there the entire time Dr. Tom was sewing me up and finishing the surgery.  I cried and cried...the entire thing was so emotional and so different than the first time.

When it was time to move me to recovery, Mike left with the baby...and they wheeled me off by myself.  I was again heartbroken. That was not what I wanted.  I did not want to be separated from my baby.  I wanted to nurse her and hold her...and study her little face. I had no say in any of it. I knew it was going to happen, but it was awful when it actually DID happen. 

My time in recovery lasted longer than normal because shift change was right in the middle of everything.  My nurses were amazing...Tera and Summer made me feel so much better.  I was able to sit and talk with them like old friends instead of being with strangers.

Mike came in with the baby before she had a bath and they let me hold her again.  After a short time they took her away again to bathe her.  I slowly, but surely felt my toes again.  It was a very strange feeling to be able to see my toes...and tell my toes to wiggle...but they would not wiggle.  It was pretty funny, in my opinion.

After what seemed like FOREVER, they wheeled me to my room.  I didn't get to hold my baby, but Mike pushed her next to me.  As we went through the doors they played the chime.  It meant I had my baby.  I didn't feel like I did, but there she was...perfect.  7 lbs 10 oz, 21.75" long.  She had a little bit of fuzzy hair...light colored, but not quite blonde. She reminded me of her brother.

I was in quite a bit of pain the first night until I got meds in me.  It was late by the time we got to our room...and I was exhausted, but my body was pumped full of adrenaline.  Add that to the fact I just had a baby and there was no sleep to be had.  I couldn't get up to get my own baby out of her bed, so I had to wake Mike when I couldn't stand not holding her one more second.  

Mike was great...he changed every diaper for those first few days that I struggled to get up and down.  He walked with me and even had to help me use the bathroom and shower.  It's funny how you fall in love with someone in different ways at different times.  I loved him when I married him.  There was something amazing between us during our struggle to become parents.  I fell in love with him all over again watching him hold Blip for the first time...and over all those firsts as a dad that I was lucky enough to witness.  Having him care for me the best he could (while his back is causing him a lot of pain) and help me do simple things I couldn't do for myself...I fell in love with him in a new way all over again.  I'm so thankful for him.

We stayed in the hospital until Friday afternoon.  I was thankful to be sent home, but the fun of recovering from surgery was just beginning.