Heartbeat

I was too excited/nervous to sleep Sunday night in anticipation of our big ultrasound Monday morning.  I'm pretty sure both Mike and I tossed and turned all night...which makes for a long night.

We showed up for our appointment a few minutes early (maybe a new habit?)...and were quickly taken back.  I had to take a pee test (again).  I guess my pH is off...not enough to raise any red flags, but enough to that I know I need to be drinking more water.  I have never been good at drinking enough water, but now that my kidneys are being overworked...I should probably get serious about it.  Oh yeah...and that whole making a baby thing. :)

Dr. B came in...hugged me (love her) and we got started.  We started the ultrasound off by looking at my gigantic ovaries and follicles...they are huge. Still.  I am feeling better, but there is still some concern about all that.

Finally we got to our blip.  I am surprised how much bigger the blip is already...and then she pointed out a tiny blink on the screen.  We could see the our blip's heart beating!!  It was amazing!!  ...and then she told me to hold my breath so she could do whatever she does to get the heartbeat.  She did something else...told me I could breathe and the then all of a sudden we could hear a fast paced thumping.  It was the most incredible sound I have ever heard in my entire life.

This one shows the heartbeat being measured.

Mike was video taping the ultrasound with his phone, but I don't have a copy of it yet.  Dr. B did her thing again, so we could hear the heartbeat again (or so she could measure it again)...so I hurried and called Richelle.  I was sad that Richelle was out of town and couldn't come with us to the ultrasound, but I wanted to her to share the moment with me.

I was amazing.

Amazing. 

I have never been happier in my entire life.

p.s. I am on bed rest for one more week...I get to go back to work next Wednesday.  The good news is that I get at least one more ultrasound to hear my blip's heartbeat...and I guess the other good news is that I get to go to work. Which is a good thing...since I am pretty sure I have seen every episode of Law and Order: SVU.  And I hate that show.

OH!!  I also bought myself a new Flip video camera (the slide HD one) at Costco.  After the cell phone/video camera issues, I decided we were going to need something a little more high tech to capture the most important moments of our new life.  I haven't tried it out yet, but I think it will be perfect...let's hope. :)  For all our other amazing moments...we have my Natty. Thank goodness...cause we'll always have to coolest family pics. Yay!!  :)

Bathroom Flood

I had the hardest time falling asleep Thursday night.  I tossed and turned...I was exhausted. I made Mike rub my back when he got home (which usually does the trick), but I still couldn't sleep.  I got up a second time to use the bathroom, noticed it was about 2am, crawled back up in bed...and just as I was getting really comfortable...I heard this LOUD sound of gushing water, but I had NO idea what it could possibly be.

I hopped out of bed...flung open the bedroom door, screamed for Mike and headed towards the bathroom.  Mike came running...and by the time Mike got upstairs, I was grabbing towels to try and stop the flow of water (as it was heading for my new carpet), but still didn't know exactly where the water was coming from.  Mike walked through the water to the toilet room and turned off the main water thingy (yes- thingy...that's what I'm calling it).  By this point the entire bathroom floor was COVERED in water...deep water.  The toilet room was the deepest, and my towel job and the bathroom rugs kept the water from reaching the carpet.

Mike ordered me out of the bathroom after he nearly slipped.  So I helplessly stood and watched as he cleaned up the mess (and took a few pictures, but not until most of the water was cleaned up...dang it.).  About eight towels and several buckets of water later...it was cleaned up.

The hose that connects the toilet tank to the main water supply in the wall broke....right at the joint that connects the piece to the tank.  Awesome.

After Mike left for work on Friday, I called my dad to whine to him about our near flood...and how disastrous it would have been had we not been home.  The entire house would have been flooded in a matter of minutes...I couldn't believe how fast the water was gushing out.

A few hours later, my dad showed up and fixed the toilet.  I love that about my dad...he always just offers or shows up to help. 

The near disaster made me think about everything I currently keep on the floor...and how water damage would not be a good idea for any of it.  My shoes, some clothes in my closet, some luggage, the soon-to-be nursery is (was) covered in piles of baby clothes I was sorting and putting on baby hangers (I've been waiting my whole life...and I am on orders to do nothing...so it's keeping my mind occupied...leave me alone :) ), the office floor downstairs has some pictures in a box, some fabric...you get the idea...it would have been awful.  It's been too long since I've been able to do a good clean of my house and get things organized and put away.

Not to mention our furniture, the walls, the ceiling, artwork on the walls downstairs, the paint, the flooring, etc.  I can't imagine what a nightmare it would be to suffer through a disaster like that...and to be displaced while the house would be getting redone.

I feel very blessed that piece broke while we were home.  Now we just need to fix the one other old toilet so this doesn't happen again...ever.

p.s. our one casualty of the flood was my scale.  I told Mike I really hated that thing anyway...it was always so negative lately...bleh. :)

Blipity Blip

Today was my hardest day so far...mostly I mean the hardest day since I've been on bed rest.  Since I have been pregnant (and even before that) I have been confined to doing as close to nothing as possible. ..it's getting old.  My brain does not like to be so idle.

We slept in...and when I came downstairs, I was actually a little worried about my belly again.  I lifted up my shirt to show Mike...and after seeing how distended my belly was all he said was, "Better call Dr. Behera."  I have the number memorized...so I dialed it and left a message for Jen (the PA).

I had been pretty uncomfortable most of the night with discomfort on my left side...which is new (it was my right side before).  With my belly looking and feeling so swollen, I figured it warranted a call...especially since they always say to call if ANYTHING comes up...and I never call.

Dr. B's medical assistant called me back within an hour or two and said Dr. B wanted to see me TODAY.  We made an appointment and hung up...another drive out to Scottsdale.  Oh well...at least Dr. B never blows me off and always plays it safe.  Dr. B said basically the same thing as before: my ovaries are too big and I still have fluid in my belly.  The fluid has gone down quite a bit, but my ovaries are too big...they can still turn or twist which would be very bad.

I felt pretty "down" most of the day...I'm just sick of being unable to be me.  I have errands that need run, things that need organized, cleaned, put away, etc...and I just want to do it myself.  Mike, for the most part, has been great.  Very helpful and (almost) always willing to jump if I need him to.  He took all of last week off with me.  I think after the ER visit he was afraid to leave me here alone.

A bunch of my girlfriends had planned to come over with dinner tonight to celebrate that I finally got pregnant, but one of their little girls might have Fifths Disease...and although she was past the contagious part, the adults in her life are possibly still in the contagious phase...and we'd never know it.  So I asked Dr. B what she thought...half expecting her to think nothing of it.  But she immediately said no way.  Her words were something like, "It isn't something you'd want to regret."  I read a bunch about Fifths Disease over the weekend...I read some of the scary things that can happen to an unborn child if exposed, so I already knew I didn't want to chance it if it were going to be a risk.  Does that make sense?

So after our appointment, I had to cancel my dinner party.  I was so bummed.  Three of my friends had possibly been exposed, so Dr. B said to stay away from all of them.  I was so looking forward to girl talk and food from the Cheesecake Factory.  Instead we had grilled chicken and corn on the cob.  Much healthier, but definitely not the same.

Don't get me wrong...I am thrilled to be pregnant.  I am willing to sit on my butt for the next eight months if needs be, but it is a lot harder than I imagined.  I am a lot more worried about the amount of paid time off I have saved...things you never think about until this kinda thing happens.  I have another ultrasound on Thursday and then hopefully I will be allowed to go back to work after my ultrasound on Monday...when we hear the heartbeat.

Father's Day

On Saturday we headed to Kelly's house to celebrate a bunch of birthdays and Father's Day too.  I spent the afternoon on Kelly's couch next to my father-in-law...he was nice enough to keep me entertained.  I love that I have such a great relationship with Mike's parents.  They are wonderful people and I love them so much.  It's one of my favorite things about being married to Mike.  I was never able to have any decent relationship with Kyle's parents, so I am so thankful for this wonderful change.


Anywho...Mike and a lot of the little ones had a water fight out back.  They seemed to have a good time.  I watched through the window...looked like everyone was enjoying themselves...and getting very wet. Mike even brought a change of clothes for the festivities...

picture courtesy of Erin B...

On Facebook yesterday I saw a post about chicken-fried-steak.  I'd never had chicken-fried-steak before, but it sounded so, so good.  I thought about chicken-fried-steak the rest of the afternoon...and we made plans to get me some for dinner on Sunday.  We invited Patrick, Sarah, Molly, Pat & Ken to join us at a place Mike's been wanting to try called Texaz. 

We met up for dinner...and I enjoyed my chicken-fried-steak.  I don't think that place made the best chicken-fried-steak we can find...so I think I will be on a quest to find the best. :)  It's the first thing I've craved.  I think I am done craving, but I still can't stop thinking about where I could get better chicken-fried-steak.  Hmmm....

Molly kept us entertained at dinner...she decided she wanted to take some pictures with our camera.  I had our small camera with us, so we let her have some fun.  She didn't do too bad!!  Miss Molly is a riot...we always have a good time with her.

After dinner, Richelle and the boys came over for a bit.  The weather was so beautiful outside...we sat and talked for hours while the boys swam and then played video games with Uncle Mike.  I love that he loves my boys...even though they can be so obnoxious and boy-like most of the time. :)  We called to tell my dad "Happy Father's Day" and laughed for hours.  Sydney ended up outside with us and we all talked until after 10pm.

A few self-portraits...

Mike said he doesn't feel quite like a father yet...which I can understand.  I know I'm pregnant, but it still seems unreal.  If my boobs weren't gigantic and I wasn't craving chicken-fried-steak I wouldn't even believe I was pregnant...oh yeah and the bulge that makes my pants not fit. :) I was still so excited to celebrate Mike's first Father's Day today. 

Although I wasn't able to plan anything special, I am still so very thankful for Mike and for the family we are making.  I can't wait to watch him with our kids...he reminds me of my dad- he tries to be all tough, but on the inside he's a marshmallow.  I love him so much...words can't describe what I feel.  I am thankful he wants a family as much as I do...and I'm thankful to him doing what it took to get us this close to having our own family. He truly is a wonderful man...I get giddy at the thought of him holding our baby in his arms.

5 Weeks

Our little poppy seed is now a sesame seed.  This week a lot will be growing and developing...the heart, the spinal cord, and some other important stuff are all in the beginning phase of development.  It's amazing to me how this whole thing works.  These are the things that make you wonder how anyone doesn't believe we came from something greater than we are.

I had another ultrasound on Thursday.  This time Mike got to see our "blip" too...and we got pictures!!  :)  The fluid in my belly has gone down (about 7-8 lbs worth) and I am feeling better for the most part.  I am still on a modified bed rest...so still no work and I am on a do-as-little-as-possible regiment...and NO stress.  I am doing my best to accept that it's best for my baby, but it's hard.  I am obviously willing to sit on my butt for the next 8 months, if that's what it takes, but I am hoping to be back on my feet and even getting some exercise in before too long.

While Mike was home this week, Derek & Jake came over to swim.  Richelle also brought them one night this week to swim, and my mom brought Ryan's girls too.  The days all run together, but I know they both happened this week.  It's very hard to sit on the sidelines...or on the lounge chair...when I'd rather be swimming and playing with my boys, but it still felt good to sit outside and hear the laughter.

On Friday (our 5 week mark), our good friend Rebecca threw a surprise 30th birthday party for her husband, Cody.  It was an 80's theme...and we had to have costumes.  Since I have been unable to run errands (or accomplish much of anything other than watching Law & Order: SVU), Mike was on his own for a costume and I was clueless.  Richelle suggested that I wear her prom dress...I was rather reluctant, but had no other options.  I actually put some make-up on and tried my best to tease my hair, but I was so tired by the time the party rolled around I really had a hard time.

Richelle's dress fit, barely.  Luckily Mike could zip it all the way up.  Mike's costume was pretty dang good, but Cody's won the night.  When he walked in, he was pretty dang surprised.  Rebecca took him upstairs and showed him the costume she had prepared...a few minutes later, Brett Michaels walked down stairs.  Everyone at the party looked great (I will add more pics when I have some sent to me).  I made myself a comfy spot on the couch and lasted in my dress for about an hour before I changed into clothes I could breathe in.

I stayed out late...way past my 8 o'clock bedtime.  Mike brought me home, put me to bed and we slept late on Saturday.

4 Weeks 5 Days

I made it through the night on Sunday just fine...I was in very little discomfort after two doses of Morphine and then one dose of percocet.  I'm not big on taking narcotics, but there is a time and place for everything, right? :)

Monday morning brought my regular feelings of discomfort, but nothing to complain about...just is what it is.  We got ready (which means I showered and put comfy clothes on...and put my contacts in) and then headed for Dr. B's office.  For the first time, she was running a little behind. 

When she came in to see me, she looked very concerned.  She said she wanted to do an ultrasound to see what was going on.  She said she was concerned about the pain I had on Sunday...she wasn't sure if I had a cyst burst or not, but didn't sound like she believed that for sure.  She also mentioned that IVF and an ectopic pregnancy was so rare that she did not believe it was that either, but said it was a possibility...less than 1%, but still a chance.  I think the statistic she said was something like 1/30,000.  I never believed that was the problem (,but what to I know?).  Also, because my hCG numbers were still going up (68 on Friday and 187 at the hospital), so she was not thinking ectopic and believed the baby was fine.

While doing the (vaginal) ultrasound, she was concerned about all the fluid in my abdomen.  She said the ER doc didn't mention all the fluid when they spoke the night before.  She seemed immediately more concerned.  The baby was still too small to see, but said any day we should be able to get a glimpse.  She told me I needed to be off my feet and on a modified bed rest...and no work.  

Dr. B had blood work done and said she wanted more blood work and another ultrasound done on Tuesday...and maybe again on Wednesday.  She answered a bunch of questions that I had...then we headed to my dad's house.  She increased my thyroid meds, we talked about everything else I was still taking...all the good stuff.

My most important question was about my hair...it is so gray and in desperate need of color. She agreed to let me get my hair colored...said she realized I wouldn't stop asking until she agreed, so she said it was okay.  I emphasized my amazing hair girl doesn't work at a normal salon with that potent smells...she has her own little salon/room at a place...no bad smells.  I can't even smell the color she uses on me.

I spent the afternoon in my dad's recliner...a had my little Lexi in my lap "gently" a few times, but no Carsen.  He is spending the week at a day scout camp...doesn't get done until 11pm.  I haven't seen him since we found out last Friday, but he knows...and I can't wait to see those big brown eyes all lit up with excitement. 

We were supposed to be having a baby celebration, but I was much too uncomfortable to celebrate.  Eating makes my stomach bigger...smooshing everything tighter together with all the unwelcome fluid in my belly. So, I'm hungry all the time, but eating is a pain...literally. :)  My dad made his yummy enchiladas and my mom even made us a baby cake.  It was red velvet...and delish.  I said it hurts to eat, not that I stopped eating. :)

Mike took me home around 8pm and put me to bed.  I was exhausted.  I slept until Tuesday morning...got up, showered and made myself "presentable" before I headed to Dr. B's office.

Susan, my fave ultrasound tech, did my ultrasound today.  She was able to find what she believed was the tiny sac...Jenn (the PA) called it my tiny "blip".  I was thrilled.  It doesn't move...it doesn't look like much (a tiny circle), but it's mine.  Susan confirmed (based on dates alone) I am 4 week and 5 days pregnant.  I was off on my count because I didn't remember to add in the four days old my embryos were.  We will get to hear the heart beat(s) at 6 weeks and 4 days...so in less than two weeks.  Our blip measured in at being 5 weeks and 1 day, but Susan said it's too hard to get a perfect measurement on something so tiny.  There could still be two...they are just too tiny to really see.

Dr. B looked over my ultrasound info and said she believes my ovaries (both of which are still too big) were on the verge of being hyper-stimulated prior to our IVF cycle ending, but were then pushed over the edge when my body started producing hCG.  The hCG must have pushed them over the edge...which has caused the pain, bloating, excess fluid, etc.  The ultrasound show blood flow to both ovaries, so there is nothing wrong with them (ie: flipped, turned, etc).

I can honestly tell you I want to be at work...I am falling so far behind and I know my co-workers aren't mad, but I know more falls on their shoulders when one of us is away.  I am bored and uncomfortable, but I can honestly say I have never been happier. 

There is no way to describe it.

Quick Trip to the ER

I woke up Sunday morning about 4:30.  I had to go to the bathroom...again.  It was the second time since I went to bed. I now wake up every night to pee.  And I'm only four weeks pregnant.  I blame the excess amount of hormones being pumped into my system...and I can now also officially blame the hormones my body is making on its own too.  Since Friday, I just smile...I don't think I have ever been happier or more at peace.

I was a little uncomfortable on Saturday...my belly was slightly uncomfortable.  I didn't pay much attention.  I have been uncomfortable and not quite myself since this whole IVF thing started.  I have had some great days and some not so great days, but never anything to complain about.  I just figured it's all part of the program.

Mike wasn't home when I went to the bathroom at 4:30am.  I was even more uncomfortable, so I grabbed my body pillow and wrapped myself around it.  I fell back asleep quickly and woke up again when Mike came to bed around 6:30am (the joys of working off duty...).  I felt okay, but remained wrapped around my body pillow...I also felt exhausted from not getting uninterrupted sleep.

I woke up again at about 10:30am...now I was in actual pain.  It wasn't awful, but it was pain.  Since I can't take anything for it, I laid there and tried to come up with what it could be.  I decided I must have been backed up.  Again...I blame the hormones.  And my family genetics.  I asked Mike to go out and grab some Miralax...thinking it was one way to relieve the pain in my belly and it was safe for the baby.

Mike got me the stuff and made me a big glass of it...luckily it's tasteless since I have a feeling I will be taking a lot of it over the next several months.  He also made me a yummy fruit smoothie.  By the time I finished both, the pain was slightly worse, but still not awful.  Mostly just annoying.

A bit later, I went to the bathroom.  Well...I was wrong.  I didn't get any relief for the pain by going to the bathroom.  In fact, the pain seemed immediately worse.  I began to sweat profusely...I was so hot I felt faint.  I stripped off my clothes as I called for Mike's help.  He came into the bathroom and asked what was wrong...I'm sure he thought I was nuts.  Sitting on the toilet, stripped naked, sweating like I was outside sitting in the sun...crying for relief from the pain.  I told him I was in excruciating pain and nauseous...and that I needed to lay down NOW.  On the bathroom floor. 

After lying there for a few minutes, Mike started talking about taking me to the ER.  I didn't want to go...I was sure it would pass.  I asked Mike to call Richelle and ask her what she thought.  She told Mike to try to call Dr. Behera (or Dr. Craig...whoever was on call). Richelle thought he should take me to the ER if we couldn't get Dr. B on the phone.

I was in enough agony to agree to the ER trip after Mike couldn't find any after-hours numbers for Dr. B.  I asked Mike to help me into the shower first.  While I was in the shower, Mike gathered all my meds to take with us.  I got out of the shower and was in even more pain as the minutes passed.  I walked to my closet...bent at the waist. I felt dizzy...and light headed.  I found a some clothes that covered me and didn't hurt my belly and headed for the stairs.

I started to take the first step and decided I had better wait for Mike's help. I really felt like I might pass out from the pain.  We made it down the stairs...luckily Mike brought a barf bowl with him because I started vomiting uncontrollably.  And the pain was getting more and more intense.  I have never been in enough pain to cause vomiting.  What an awful feeling.

I'm not sure how fast Mike drove south on 67th Avenue, but I do remember "laughing" to myself through the pain and thinking I knew he wouldn't stop for any cop trying to pull him over.  Luckily, there were no cops around...and we made it to the hospital without badges needing to be hung out the window. 

By the time we pulled up to the ER door, both of my arms were tingly and felt numb.  I could barely walk into the ER...I was terrified something was wrong with the baby, but I honestly didn't feel like my pain was coming from my uterus.  I was really thinking it was my appendix...or something else that was trying to kill me.

Mike sat me down in a chair and walked over to sign me in.  He told the nurse at the triage window that I was four weeks pregnant, that we had just done an IVF procedure and that I was experiencing horrific lower abdominal pain.  They immediately brought me back.  Later, that first nurse told me I looked awful, pale and in pain when I arrived...she said we were right to come.  The doc even said we probably should have come by ambulance because my blood pressure was way too low and my pain was off the charts.  I had never in my life experienced anything like it.

I was quickly wheeled back into room #9 (my lucky number...Dan Majerle's number hehe :) ) and an IV was started immediately.  The pain started going up and down...always there, but I was given brief moments of reprieve.  At first, the medical team all believed I may have been experiencing an ectopic/tubal pregnancy.  They ran a bunch of blood work and asked if I wanted something for the pain.  I asked if it could hurt my baby...and the answer was yes.  I told the doctor I didn't want anything for the pain...I didn't want to take a chance at harming the baby if we didn't know what was wrong yet.

By about this time, my parents arrived...followed by Richelle.   My dad laughed as he welcomed Mike to the Rodgers family...nothing ever done without flare.  They stayed with us for a few minutes before they were asked to step out while the ultrasounds were done.  Had I been thinking straight, I would have had them stay (at least my mom and Richelle).  I don't care what they see...and in a few short months they'll get to see it all anyway. :)

They did two ultrasounds...one outer one on my belly and one probing vaginal one.  I also had a hard time emptying my bladder (not sure why?), so they had to empty it by using a catheter.  It wasn't nearly as pleasant as I hoped, but it wasn't that bad either.  I hope it was a one time experience.

The ultrasound did not show me my tiny poppy seed...the light of my life.  There was nothing showing an ectopic pregnancy either.  Or appendicitis.  However, on my ovaries they were able to see many large cysts.

The ER doctor was able to speak with Dr. B.  She was able to verify exactly where this pregnancy was time wise.  There is no sac yet...which is why we can't see anything on the ultrasound.  Because there is no sac, it was safe to take pain killers. Whew...what a relief. 

Dr. B asked the ER doc to prescribe my percocet for home after the IV doses of morphine wore off.  I was also told to make an appointment with Dr. B first thing in the morning...and I am to stay off my feet.  There are more cysts and they may burst...Which is what the consensus was for that horrific spike in pain I experienced.

I asked Mike to get Richelle and my mom...I knew my dad had gone home to tend to Raelynn.  Mike came back in the room with my mom, Richelle and Robyn too.  My two besties...always there in a pinch.  We laughed (even though it hurt) that we kept meeting this way.  Richelle was the last one of the three of us in the ER at Arrowhead.  Geez...can't we do anything without this crap?  I love my family...always gotch yer back.

After the first dose of morphine, I didn't notice a change in my pain.  They gave me another dose...it seemed to help.  After a few minutes, they let me go home. 

Mike found a bag of my chicken noodle soup in the freezer, so we had a quick, yummy dinner.  Before we left for the hospital, he had just finished BBQing that Morton's tri-tip from Costco.  I am dying to try it, but I don't think I can handle meat at this point.

I am not thrilled to be back in bed...and in pain to boot.  My ER doc was a female...one who has obviously put her career in a priority position in her life, so we understood each other.  I was not happy when she told me I was not going to work tomorrow.   She told me it was okay to put my career second and my family first.  I knew she was right...I left the street, got married and have longed for this.  I love my career, but my family always comes first.

I have longed to carry my child every day for as long as I can remember.  With all this infertility crap over the last 2 1/2 years I made a promise to myself that I would enjoy every second of my pregnancy if I was lucky enough to be given this great opportunity.  Even if I'm puking...even if I get (more) stretch marks and my body never goes back to normal.  I promised myself I would thank my Heavenly Father daily for trusting me with one of His children.  I did not truly enjoy today, but I am happy...pain or no pain.  I am thrilled to have to make decisions that will affect our child...even though (he or) she is only the size of a poppy seed.

Results: BFP!!!

It has been a long 11 days since the transfer.  It's been hard to be calm and not to worry about all of this baby stuff.  I'm sure glad I did my best...took all my hormones, didn't lift anything, did very little around the house, ate a lot, laughed a lot, (ate some more), slept a lot (including naps...weird) and tried to just not think about it.  With all my visitors, the time seemed to pass more quickly than I expected...plus the two day trip to Kansas City sped the days along.

When the plane landed in Phoenix, Richelle picked up Matt and me up from the airport.  We dropped Matt off at home and then headed to the 24-hour Walmart to buy a pregnancy test.  ALL the nurses told me time and time again not to take a home test.  With my hormones so outa whack...there was a chance of getting a false positive or a false negative.  Dr. B mentioned she was okay with us doing one, but I still was unsure.

I did the test as soon as we got in the house.  The stupid dark pink "negative" line appeared immediately (like always), but slowly the second line started to appear.  It remained very light, but it did look like a second line...at least Richelle said it did.  I was skeptical...and I refused to even crack a smile.

Richelle went home after we devised a plan to pee on the second test first thing in the morning, when HCG levels are higher.  She woke me up before my alarm asking what the test said.  I tried to tell her to leave me alone and let me sleep...I'd take the test when I woke up.  She didn't let me sleep.  ...the second test came out the same.

I didn't get excited.  I was too afraid to feel one way or the other until the blood test came back today. 

Mike and I drove out to Dr. B's office this morning before he dropped me off at work.  We did the quick blood draw and then asked all of our questions.  Lots to know no matter what the answer...at the end Tammy asked which number to call with the results.  I gave her Mike's number.  I knew I didn't want to hear the word "negative".

My phone rang with Dr. B's number...I answered and I heard Tammy's voice.  She was on speaker phone with the other nurses from the office...and she said my beta was a _____.  I didn't hear the number she said, but I said, "Is that good?"  She laughed and said, "Yes."  I asked her, "Does that mean I am?" Tammy and the other nurses all said "YES!!"  By this point, I had tears streaming down my face...Rob & Candice were the only two people at work and they were both anxiously awaiting the news.  I didn't know what to say.  I felt so surprised...shocked at the news.

I called Mike and said, "We're gonna have a baby!!"  He was speechless...literally.  I wish I would have driven to the precinct and told him in person, but when he got home from work...it was better than I thought.  I was talking on the phone with Richelle (who in on a mini-vacation with some of our friends) when Mike walked in the door.  He walked over to me...already had tears in his eyes.  I hung up with Richelle, and we embraced for a long time and just cried.

I don't think either one of us knows what to think or feel.  I guess I feel slightly frightened...and like we should have gone to Europe last year. :)  I am, of course, over-joyed...I know Mike is too.  We have been waiting for so long...it all just seems surreal.

I have another blood test on Tuesday.  I am still on most of my restrictions...they aren't too bad.  No lifting anything, no sex (sorry, Babe), light exercises only and I continue with the hormones.  I am in for about 10 more weeks of the shots.  Not sure where I can stick myself for 10 more weeks, but we'll figure it out between bruises.  Per my super-pregnancy wheel I will be due around February 16.  Also...we find out how many babies in a few more weeks.

When Lightning Strikes

A few weeks ago I my friend Matt called me twice...first thing in the morning. I was getting ready for work, so I didn't hear the phone. I also missed a call from his wife. I didn't immediately think I should worry...since Matt called first, but I definitely was curious what was wrong.

I talked to Jeannette, Matt's wife, on my way to work. She asked me if I heard if our friend, Jeff Taylor, was one of the officers struck by lightning in Joplin. I was perplexed...I said I hadn't heard, but asked why she thought that. Jeannette said Jeff's Facebook book page made it appear that he had been hurt...and two officers had been struck by lightning in Joplin…and Jeff had posted the day prior that he was headed to Joplin to help out.

I sent a text to Jeff...no response. I sent a message to Jeff's wife, Kelly....she responded back pretty quickly. She said Jeff was struck by lightning and that he was on a ventilator and in critical condition...things didn't look good. She asked me to pray for him and said she would keep me posted.

Over the next few days, I got a few updates...things seemed to look more positive. Her updates said he was opening his eyes for short time periods and tracking people in the room. The scans showed no brain damage...he had skin grafts to help with the burns and they were healing and looking good. I stopped bugging Kelly every day...I started to let myself believe my friend would be that miracle...the one that pulls through.

On Friday June 3rd, I woke up and was delaying getting out of bed. I was still on a modified bed rest, so there was no reason to hurry out of bed. Mike was still asleep, so I scrolled through Facebook on my phone. I came across a post that had been posted through the Officer Down Memorial Page. My friend wrote that not only civilians were affected by the storms in Joplin...an officer struck by lightning while trying to help had died.

I felt confused at first...because my friend was getting better. My friend wasn't dead…I was sure of it. I kept reading. The name listed was Jefferson Taylor...from Riverside PD. I don't remember ever feeling that shocked after reading something as simple as a name. How could he be dead!? I think I even posted something similar on my friend's post. I was so upset....and I knew I wasn't allowed to be upset or stressed because of the risk to our IVF procedure. I woke Mike up, crying…I was upset. Mike tried to console me...I cried and cried.

I couldn’t believe my friend was dead.

I started the police academy Monday morning December 3rd, 2002. I don't know how relationships with certain people start, but I know some relationships are never severed...space and time does no damage. I met Mike Hairgrove the day I started with DPS. We instantly became friends, and spent nearly every day together after that. We started our carpool the very first day. As the only two DPS recruits, we knew we were in it together. We instantly seemed to have a brother/sister relationship, so it just worked. Matt Schneider joined our carpool the first week...he fit right in.  I think Jeff and I ran together the first week a few times...we clicked instantly too.  It made the academy so much fun.

Jeff's RTO (Scott Peron from Gilbert) had it in for him from day 1. He picked on Jeff any chance he got...especially during our morning inspections. His boots were never acceptable...even when they were the best boots in the class. Matt reminded me that because he sat next to Jeff AND stood next to him in formation that he some how was volun-told to be in charge of Jeff's boots. 

Matt and I laughed about the boots on our trip...how Matt would even take Jeff's boots home and shine them himself and they would look better than his own boots, but they still weren't good enough. Not that it mattered...in the academy, if they want to punish you, they will find a reason. Poor Jeff spent more time in the leaning rest position than our entire class did put together. One time it was for moving his eyeball to re-wet his contact. He even got pulled out during classes to be punished. 

Jeff never gave in and kept a positive attitude all the time...and that goofy grin rarely left his face. He had been a cop in Missouri before moving to Arizona with his wife, so he had been through all the mind games before. He had such a good attitude about the nonsense. The four of us spent many, many nights studying together, running together...laughing together. It's funny how strong of a bond can be made in such a short amount of time. We met each others families, ate together...I can even remember running with Jeff on Christmas morning that year. I truly love him...and Kelly too. 

After many weeks...the city of Avondale pulled Jeff from class 375. We were never told why...and I never asked. Our RTO's never liked him and they told us something he did was dishonest. I'm not calling anyone a liar, but Jeff wasn't dishonest. He asked me if I wanted to know the reason they told him, but I knew it would make me angry, so I always said no. A short time later, Jeff and Kelly moved back to Missouri. Jeff was hired on as an officer again, they had some babies, he became a K9...life was good.

We always talked about getting together. He always told me to come out for a visit...and would taunt me with how close Worlds of Fun was to their house. We always said "soon"...we always said we'd put something together, but life always seemed so busy and moved forward without hesitation.

About six months ago, I got a phone call from Jeff. We had kept in touch via Facebook (and myspace before that)...so I'm sure we both felt well informed on each others lives, but he said he could sense I was struggling...and I was. We talked...he said he'd always be there and before we ended the conversation we said, "We should get together soon." We both agreed...and that was that.

In early May...he seemed distressed. Matt asked me if I knew what was wrong with Jeff. I didn't, so I said I would find out. I sent Jeff a text asking if he was okay. We talked for a while via text message....it was his turn to struggle. Life was handing him some sour grapes and he was trying to find his way through them. As we finished our conversation, I typed, "We should all gather together someplace very soon!!" Jeff said, "We have been saying that forever! Gotta just up and do it!"

That was the last thing he said to me.

I couldn't believe less than a month later Jeff was dead. I was so crushed. I love this man like a brother...and we HAD put off getting together for too long and now he was dead. How could it even be possible? And a lightning strike? Are you kidding me??

Matt and I found last minute airfare we could stomach, so we boarded a plane to Kansas City on Tuesday morning. We flew all day...first to Milwaukeeand then finally to Kansas City. I had never flown on Frontier Airlines, but I was pleasantly surprised to see they serve Pepsi products!! I was disappointed that the first time I could order a Pepsi from a flight attendant I wasn’t able to...this whole "I might be preggo" thing is really cramping my style. Matt had to carry my bag the entire trip, no caffeine and no uniform at the funeral (no gun belt around my waist until I know positive or negative...too much weight).

We checked in to our hotel...and then drove to the city to find some BBQ. We ate a place called Gates. I don't love BBQ, but it was pretty tasty!! After dinner, we went back to our hotel and said goodnight. I watched some TV and wished I hadn't napped on the plane...I didn't sleep much that night at all. I felt totally out of sorts...I was hot and I felt way too emotional for my own good. I slept a bit and then got up and got ready to go.

The funeral was nice. There was no Eulogy, but we did get a glimpse of a few pictures I'm sure Jeff had intentionally been keeping from us.  We loved them all...especially his marching band photo.  Priceless.  Damn I want to tease him endlessly about it!! The people who spoke said nice things about our fallen hero and the funeral ended. Short and sweet. I was interested to see if Line of Duty Death funerals are done the same as they are in Arizona. For the most part, things were very similar. I like a good Eulogy at a funeral, but the speakers did a good job.

We finally got to hug Kelly after the church service...she had Caden in tow. He looks like a blonde little Jeff. He's only five...I doubt he will retain too many memories of his amazing father...a man that loved him more than anything. I only saw Cameron, Jeff and Kelly's three year old once. He looked so small. I’m sure he understood very little of what was happening. They were both dressed in tiny dress suits and brought tears to my eyes. Kelly looked great too...I would have expected nothing less. She is always a classy lady.

The procession was the same...mostly. In Arizona, we keep ALL the motors up front and together. It's my favorite part. The motors in Jeff's profession were somewhat separated. Not bad, just different.  The cemetery was about 35 miles from the church.

At the graveside portion of the service, one of the biggest differences was that the casket was carried by a Riverside Fire truck...way, way better than a stupid, ugly hearse. The fire truck, a few of the emergency vehicles and the immediate family vehicles waited to enter the cemetery until the procession ended and everyone was present. I liked this a lot. 

That portion of the procession entered the cemetery and then stopped again. All the uniformed officers were lined up in four rows...they then marched forward, led by the 3-4 pipers. The Fire truck carrying Jeff followed behind the officers as they marched through the cemetery to Jeff's final resting place. It seemed fitting for Jeff to be led, one final time, by the officers he worked with, loved and would have given his life to protect.

It was hot at the cemetery. It was as hot as Phoenix in June, but a cool breeze offered some relief. I joked with Matt that the breeze in Phoenix is just more hot air. There was no four helicopter missing man formation, but there was a fly over. There was also no riderless horse, which is one of my favorite traditions. Maybe in Missouri they get ATVs, so they don't get horses. :) Too bad we don't have a horse detail anymore either. Lame.

It was hard to hear the last call. It’s devastating to me that he’s gone. I am angry with myself for always putting off getting together. I am thankful that Jeff was my friend…I’m thankful to have known someone as selfless and happy as he always was. Even after the years had passed…there was no gap. I feel blessed to have known Jeff, and I am better because of it.

Embryology Report...in my words

I talked to the lab today.  Here's what I learned:

16 eggs were retrieved.

13 were mature.

12 fertilized.

2 embryos were transferred.

2 embryos were frozen.

8 embryos did not make it.

Our numbers are the same as Dr. B told us the day of the transfer, but the embryos aren't the same.  On the day of the transfer, we planned to freeze our two best embryos.  However, after we transferred two other embryos...our two "gold medalists" were watched and readied to be frozen.  One of the two did not make it.  Our lone "top-quality" embryo and a "fair" embryo were frozen.

Our "top quality" embryo was graded as an early blastocyst.  Our frozen "fair" quality embryo is "compact"...which is good, but the cell count (9) was slightly lower than they like to see.

Of the embryos we had tranferred , the "good-to-fair" embryo was a 10 cell embryo.  The other was graded as "fair"...I didn't get specifics on that one.

We should be getting a final report/summary in the mail next week.

Not Quite On My Own...

I had some pretty bad back cramps last night...which made for a sleepless night for both of us.  I haven't had any more today.  I feel pretty good.  I spent most of the day of the couch...I took a shower and hung out with Carsen while Richelle got her haircut.

We layed on the couch and played Bejeweled2 on Richelle's iPad...then some hangman, checkers and then a word search.  I kinda wish I had kept my iPad...damn.  Oh well.  Someday I will get up the courage to spend the money on my Macbook Pro.

Carlys dropped Raelynn off to hangout too.  She and my dad went on a dinner date before he leaves for Scout Camp on Saturday.  I love when Raelynn is here keeping me company...she makes my heart happy.  Since moving back to the west valley (nearly two years ago already) I have had a lot more time with Raelynn.  I am thankful for that.

Richelle came over after her hair appointment and has been hanging out with me since.  She brought me dinner and helped me with some laundry.  What an angel. :)  I'm pretty sure anyone else who's been here to help me would have helped with anything I asked them to do, but I would feel guilty even asking.  I don't, however, feel bad asking Richelle to help me. Sorry, BFF.

I had my first disappointment/negative instance with Dr. B's office today.  The lab did NOT call with out embryo report.  I didn't realize how late it was until it was too late to call them myself.  It bugs me that they've dismissed me, but maybe it's better not to know if it's just more bad news.  I guess we will find out tomorrow.

I feel pretty good...I am so happy that I do.  I have read horror stories about how people feel day after day at this stage (and before now too)...I am thankful I have not have too many of the awful side effects.  I still have acne issues and all of a sudden my appetite is ridiculous, but nothing really to complain about.

Post Transfer

I haven't been downstairs since we got home on Monday.  I've been in bed...doing my best to give our tiny embryos a nice place to call home.

I have watched many, many episodes of Law & Order: SVU.  My mom spent the day babysitting me on Tuesday.  Rob stopped by...plus my dad and Raelynn brought Chinese food for dinner.  That was a nice treat...and we've been trying to find a new place since Pick-up Stix closed.  This new place was pretty good...worth another try.

Richelle and Rebecca came over after dinner to help keep my brain busy.  Rebecca brought me Thrifty ice cream...not sure if that's good or bad to eat while not doing anything out of bed unless it involves the bathroom for days.

Three of us were up in my bed...and I was having HOT flashes!!  They were under the covers trying to defrost, while I was preparing for death.  I can't remember ever feeling that HOT when the house was at 74 degrees!!  I blame the double doses of Progesterone I'm getting twice daily.

Today, Erin came and spent all day babysitting me.  We laid in bed and chatted most of the afternoon, watched some TV and I worked on Richelle's blog book.  Natty & Stefany (& Kylee too!!) brought MORE Thrifty and a yummy dinner too!!  Chicken Parm, spaghetti and green beans...homemade and delish.

Tomorrow I am on my own.  I am allowed to be out of bed, but will still take it easy...much easier than normal. Mike and I agreed I would keep a low profile the entire week...since my job is so stressful (at times...many times).  I hope this weekend I can pull myself together so Mike and I can go out on a date.

We tried to find out about our 10 embryos today, but we weren't able to get any straight answers.  I guess the lab has not completed their report because they are still watching some of our embryos.  We are supposed to get definite details tomorrow.  Maybe not knowing helps keep our stress levels downs.

I am trying not to think too much about all that is going on...the reason I am stuck in bed.  I am doing my best to keep my mind busy.  I think I'm doing a pretty good job.  I feel very much at peace with where we are. I don't feel one way or another about the embryos that were transferred.  I obviously am praying I am pregnant, but I have always felt that whatever is supposed to happen will happen...even if it's hard to take.

We shall see.