Back To Work

The dreaded day finally came.  


The day I had been dreading since February 10th at 6:02pm.


I even pushed the dreaded day back an entire week.  But there was no putting it off forever.  I'm not even sure I wanted to.


As I started to get the baby ready for bed on Sunday night, I started feeling really anxious.  (A lot more than normal.)  I was so disappointed knowing I wouldn't be the one to receive Blip's good morning smiles...and I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of not knowing each different step during the day.  I worked so hard on his schedule...I hoped he continued doing so well.


I am the one who took care of the baby on a regular basis since birth...and Mike hadn't had Blip all to himself for more than a couple hours, so I was anxious about a lot of different things at home...and at work too.  I went back to a new boss...and several new co-workers that were transferred to the detail since I'd been gone.


Blip and I did our bedtime routine, but that night I rocked him for nearly an hour before I could swaddle him and put him in his crib.  Every night when I pat his back after he eats, he leans his head into my face...so we touch face to face.  It's one of my favorite things...I love being so close to him, being able to smell him, and feel him breathe.  As I rocked him and held him close, I cried.  


I cried for a long time that night...and then I was done.  I put my sweet boy in his crib and left the room.  I got myself ready for bed and I made sure I had everything ready for my first day before going to bed. 


I didn't sleep at all Sunday night.  I tossed and turned...I felt sick to my stomach.  I had so many mixed emotions.  I love my job, but I never expected to feel the way I do.  I know I don't want to really stay home full time.  I would be bored...and broke.  I want to be able to provide my kid(s) with everything they need, some things they want and activities/vacations of all varieties to make memories as a family.  


I also don't want to quit because I want my kid(s) to have the example set for them and know that they are responsible for growing up and taking care of themselves and their families.  It will not be my job to monetarily support their decisions...so they will need to make them wisely.  Mike and I made our decisions together and it's our responsibility to make sure they are taken care of.


Most importantly, I want to teach my kid(s) the importance of getting back up when you fall down.  No matter what happens in this life, you get two choices; keep laying in the gutter while making excuses for failing or stand up, push forward and make something of your life you are proud of.


My career means a lot to me... and one of the things it represents for me is getting back up when you are knocked down.  I could list off plenty of reasons to lay down and die.  I want my kid(s) to know they are better than that.  They can do anything.  Be anything.  Get through anything.  There is nothing that can't be overcome.


Monday morning came quickly...so I drug myself out of bed, got ready for work and headed downtown.  I felt okay...better than I thought I would.  The day went quickly...and I felt better as the hours passed.  It was fun to do some follow-up with my partner again.  It was fun to see friends I hadn't seen in too long...fun to show off pictures of my super cute baby boy.  Fun to check my voice mail for the first time since August...wait.  Nope.  That part wasn't fun. haha


[My one mistake of the day was my shoe choice.  I forgot that my feet are still to fat for almost all my shoes.  So I grabbed a pair that I thought fit okay.  By the time I got to my car to drive home, I had huge blisters on my toes, the balls of my feet and my heels.  I struggled to make it to my car...it was awful.]


When it was time to head for home, I felt giddy.  Usually I stuck around the office to do whatever...I usually had no reason to hurry home. It was nice to have the best reason ever to rush home.


I walked in the door and scooped up my baby.  He was still intact...and he still smelled delicious.  We left the house pretty quickly to find some shoes that fit me better and another pair of pants or two. The pants I bought two weeks prior were already too big (yay!), but that meant I only had one pair of dress pants that fit.


I finally found a pair of shoes I could live with.  So we drove to Macy's to find pants.  I am now too small to shop at the big girl store (where they actually make clothes for people with curves and a few pounds more than tiny), but I am too big to wear clothes they sell at most stores.  It really is ridiculous.  So either you have to be size 16 or you have to be size 6 to find clothes that fit.  


I was so disappointed to spend the entire evening...every one of my seconds with Blip...shopping for stupid clothes that don't even matter.  I couldn't hold him and shop because I had to try on pants.  By the time I was in the Macy's dressing room I was sobbing.  I was so exhausted...and I just wanted to be at home with my family.  Not in another dressing room.


We finally found pants and made it home.  I put the baby to bed and then started getting everything ready for his first (1/2) day at the baby sitter's house.  By the time I got everything ready, and was ready for bed myself, it was nearly 1am.  My alarm was set for 5:30am.


The rest of the week went well.  I rode the bus three days and drove two.  Mike wanted me to drive my first day in case I needed to leave...or cry.  And on Wednesday I went to the range all morning, so I had to drive myself there and back.  Riding the bus to work, grabbing the city vehicle and making it to the range by 7am seemed impossible...especially with little to no sleep.


Other than being even more sleep deprived than before, I had a great week back at work. The time passed quickly, but it went even faster in the evenings.  The baby and I went on a walk almost every evening...he really likes being outside and seeing all the beautiful things.  Putting him to bed by 8-8:30pm was hard.  I wanted more time with him, but I knew I needed time without him to get everything taken care of.


I am hoping as the weeks pass I will get back into a routine...making everything easier.