Takin' It All In

This past Tuesday we met with our IVF coordinator, Daina.  We met with her to go over our IVF calendar/schedule...I was NOT prepared for that meeting.  I thought I was.  I showed up with my notebook containing all our medical/infertility info from the last 2+ years...I knew what we were going to the FTC for, but I really had NO idea what we were going there for.

Daina led us down the long hallway to her office...invited us to sit down...and then placed a three page packet in front of us on the table. That packet was a calendar for the next 5-6 weeks...our first IVF cycle from start to (hopefully) pregnant.  I had some knowledge of what the cycle would entail from the reading I have been doing, our last meeting and from the people I have spoken to about IVF, but I felt very lost in that meeting.

Daina went over every single day in our cycle with us.  She explained in detail what every drug was for and how to administer each one.  We made many appointments for the necessary ultrasounds and lab work...we asked a lot of questions.  But I still left the FTC feeling very overwhelmed.

IVF is never something I thought I would agree (let alone pay for) to do.  I said from the very beginning that I did not want to go into debt for a chance (and not a great chance at that).  I said I didn't want to have to do "all of this".  I truly had NO idea what "all of this" even meant.  That was before we found out this would be our only chance...it's this way or no way.  I also did not think we'd find IVF was our only option only a few weeks after starting with Dr. Behera.  I am so thankful we did not screw around with any other non-specialized doctors.  

By Tuesday morning, I had truly gotten myself to the point of "excited" about doing IVF.  We figured out a way to finance a cycle and (hopefully) still be able to eat AND have electricity every month.  We are hoping our garage sale money will cover a large portion of the drugs required. Everything just seemed to fit together for us to do this cycle now, so I let myself start thinking about a nursery again.  I let myself day dream about babies, maternity clothes, a big belly, etc...all things I stopped day dreaming about a long time ago.

When I walked into that meeting last Tuesday, I felt happy, excited and a little nervous, but very intrigued.

When I walked out of that meeting last Tuesday, I felt sick to my stomach, sad...overwhelmed.  I'm not one to feel sorry for myself, but I just had this overwhelming feeling of "WHY!?"

Why is having a baby so easy for so many others?  Why is it so expensive?  Why is this process so complicated?  Why are there SO many drugs...and why are the needles SO big?  Why is it that to keep up with the calendar of our cycle I need to quit my job or get a few extra hours a day added on?  Why do so few understand?

It's been amazing to see the amount of love and support we have received from our friends and some family members.  It's also been interesting to see which friends and family members truly have no clue what's going on in our life...not a word of encouragement, not an offer to help, not even a big fat F*&% you!!  It's their loss, but we are thankful to know who our true friends are.  We are truly blessed.  Like Kim used to say, "God is good!"

A HUGE thank you to those of you who have offered kind words, prayers, words of encouragement, money (who knew $5 could mean so much?), items to sell at our sale, purchasing items at the sale, help around the house, a meal, a smile, a "like" on FB...anything but negativity or ignorance. 

It only took a day or two to feel all the excitement again.  I was thankful when the overwhelming feelings were history. I do much better feeling I can conquer this trial and move on to the next one. :) Luckily, my emotions are a little like being a roller coaster, so I can go from good to bad and back to good again in no time.

I guess we'll take this one day (or one drug) at a time.  We are praying this will be the answer to our prayers and we will finally be able to start our family.

Now bring on (all) the hormone injections, pills, patches and creams!!  Our official start date is April 19th, 2011.  We are hoping for egg retrieval (ER) the last week of May...and ET (embryo transfer) will be 4 days after that.  11 days later we will know the fate of our cycle...4 weeks after that we will know if we will be blessed with one baby or two (can't pretend to be excited for any more than two).

p.s. I hope nobody (who actually reads this) cares about my blog becoming our infertility/IVF journal.  I have found some random blogs done by others suffering our same fate.  I am scared to death of what this crap is going to do to my body.  The swelling and weight gain (weeks and weeks before there is even an egg, let alone a positive pregnancy test)...sheesh...up down up down.