My Natty

Many years ago {maybe 10ish} I met a cute, dark haired chick who played on my {now former?} sister-in-law's college volleyball team.  Since my sister-in-law wished me dead {no...seriously}, I didn't really get a chance to "buddy-up" with any of her teammates.  I was getting ready to marry Kyle...starting my own amazing life, so it didn't matter to me. 

I remember my sister-in-law talking about her friend...and how she wanted to start or was starting a photography business...which peaked my interest {since I heart photography}, but it didn't matter what I thought- she was my sister-in-law's friend...not mine.  And there was no way she would be allowed to be my friend...or vise versa. 

photosbynatalie.com

Kyle died a few months before his little sister/my sister-in-law got married.  I made it to the wedding, but it was not my finest moment.  And I'm not even talking about the enormous, highly-embarrassing panic attack I had the instant the daddy-daughter dance music started. {seriously- who plays "Angel" by Sarah Mclachlan at their WEDDING?" ...it's about a drug-addict's struggles with the world...but whatever, it wasn't my wedding.}  That cute, dark-haired photographer was there too.

Anywho...over the years it was decided {by me} that it would be the healthiest decision for my own well-being to distance myself from {the majority of} Kyle's family.  It was a painful decision...it still is.  There is simply too much {more than a decades worth} to write here, so you'll have to trust I did what was best for me...and what Kyle would have supported. 

Fast forward to my 10 year reunion.  My high school bestie and I officially reunited...over not so fantastic circumstances.  Stage IV colon cancer.  A whirl-wind of life in less than a year.  New reasons for a lot of things I had wanted, but didn't know how to open my mouth to advocate for until that moment. 

I should also mention I made some amazing new friendships.  So many it's hard for a trying-to-be-married, workin' girl like me to keep it all in perfect order.  There are a few of these incredible friendships I can't seem to screw up...like we were destined to be friends from the beginning of time...maybe since before we came to this Earth.  One of those amazing friendships is with that cute, dark-haired photographer...one with amazing talent and beauty beyond measure.  One with an amazing heart.  One with similarities that are linked to my soul.

Me, Michelle, Natalie, Erin & Laura

Her life is not mine, so I will not give exacts, and I will not betray her.  We were both raised Mormon.  We both have big families...and share bonds with our sisters that cannot be broken.  We found love early in life...and were married.  Our marriages both ended, but for different reasons.  We learned different lessons.  We both spent the majority of our 20's single...searching for true love, for happiness, for the families we longed to start.  We both found amazing men...men who had been married before.  Men who knew how to love...men who also longed to love...to have and to hold.  We both love with everything in us...we both would give or do anything for our friends and/or our families.

There is something about my friend I can't put the right words to, but I want to properly convey the amount of love and respect I have for her, for her friendship...for her love.  She is absolutely amazing.  I have never met anyone like her...so much so that I feel like I was jipped out of a decade of her warmth.  I will luckily get to make up for those lost years over the next decade...and the next as we share our life's experiences- the good and the bad.

During an especially hard week I was having last fall, I got a text as I was driving home from work.  It said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm pregnant." 

photo by my cell phone...DROID, not the iPhone like I want.

I won't lie.  I was crushed.  Not for my friend, but for myself.

I had a rush of mixed emotions...she was at least the 5th or 6th friend to share that same news with me that very week...the same week-ish I found out our latest fertility procedure failed.  Emotionally I was struggling, but my heart was also filled with joy.  Joy for my friend's exciting news...I called to tell her congratulations...and when we hung up, I sobbed for hours.  I sobbed the rest of my way home from work, in the shower as I sat and wondered what life's purpose for me is...the tears streamed down my face. 

I was struggling.

It didn't take me long to quit thinking of myself and truly embrace the new life growing inside of my friend.  When we spoke, I deemed her baby "my baby" {since everyone else also thought of her baby as their baby...I did too}.  We talked about names, clothes, her nursery...  The days didn't bother to slow down for this pregnancy...they still seemed to move by at such a rapid pace they were hard to hold on to. 

17 weeks and 2 days.  That was the day scheduled for the big ultra-sound.  It was an exciting day for all of us...obviously it was even more exciting for our momma-to-be.

17 weeks and 2 days did not end the way we planned.  We all have these dreams of how the days should end...what the outcome of certain situations should be...and then we are reminded it isn't about our plan.

There is so much more to say, but not for now. 

My friend is experiencing something no one should experience.  I know many women do...I know she will be okay.  Someday it will be okay for me to say more, but for now...just know how thankful I am for my cute, dark-haired, photographer friend.  And know how much I love her.