38 Weeks 4 Days ~ Update

**Let me preface this by saying I have never hoped (or wanted) my child would come early...especially early enough to have health issues.  I would never want anything other than THE very best for my son, so I am not writing this to get lectures from anyone on how wonderful it is that I am still pregnant and Blip is still enjoying time in the womb.  I'm just having a bad day. So just let me vent...please.**

We met with Dr. T this afternoon.  I think Mike and I both assumed we'd be leaving her office with a date for induction, but we were both very wrong. 

There is literally NO END IN SIGHT.  She is concerned about inducing me when my body is not progressing on its own.  She is worried that it will be such a long, hard labor that I will be forced in to a c-section...which I really do not want.

I don't want to be induced.  That would not be my first choice.  I have always dreamed of having one of the spontaneous "I'm in labor!" moments.  Maybe a water break...I dunno...just something exciting.  Something different than my sisters had.

However, I am in quite a bit of pain AND my ovaries have gone back up in size (They are back up to 6cm and 7cm...yes, please kill me or remove them immediately.  Did you know you can hate your own organs?).  I have been on this modified bed rest (which is now needing to be less modified and more often) for nearly 10 months, I am VERY quickly running out of paid time off as we speak, I am fat, bored, swollen, and quite frankly...I'm just plain done.

I was told to expect 32-33 weeks.  That came and went, so the next goal was 35 weeks.  After that was long gone, we hoped and prayed for 37 weeks.  I am almost 39 weeks and there is NO end in sight.

I have not progressed at all over the last week.  I am still only dilated 1 cm and 50% effaced.  I am not having any contractions...not even the stupid fake ones.  TMI: Over the last two days I have lost my mucus plug, but that honestly doesn't mean anything.  It could mean I will go into labor soon, but "soon" could just mean in this lifetime.  I have pretty bad period-like cramping, but again- that doesn't mean anything other than I have bad cramps to add to my discomfort.  I am so swollen it hurts to walk...putting pressure on my feet is nearing torture some days.  My entire body is squishy.  My tailbone feels bruised, I am getting more stretch marks, and I have four chins.

On top of all this fun, I am helping throw Sydney's bridal shower next Friday (02/17).  I never NEVER thought...not even for a second...that I would be sitting here pregnant on February 6th.  I never thought I would be stressing out over not starting my "maternity leave" yet (not that six lousy weeks can be called that when I have to go to work and leave my infant that can't even hold his head up to take care of some moron that can't keep his hands (or gun) to himself...or better yet- get a job and stop taking other people's stuff by force), not having the baby long before the shower...let alone the possibility I will be having the baby DURING the shower.  Ruining both events for everyone.

So not only have I not been able to help Richelle with the shower planning (because of stupid bed rest and stupid endless doctor's appointments), but now it would be a shock if I am able to help DURING the shower...and if I'm having the baby, how will she be with me?  I was a bride (twice now), so I know how important this all is to Syndey (who is being flown in for the shower).  I also know how important all of this is to me, so I am torn on what to feel about who and what and blah.

I am so stressed.  You'd think the stress would start my labor, but nope.  Who needs a paycheck?  Who needs to be able to follow through with their commitments?  Who needs to be pain-free?  Who needs to start losing 80 lbs so she can fit into a dress at Syndey's wedding in April? 

My positive attitude is obviously GONE for today.  I just feel miserable...and slightly depressed.  Which makes me feel worse...since we are talking about the health of my child.  I'm already a bad mother...willing my baby to be born before he wants to be so I can throw a party for someone else...and now I'm also a crybaby.  Awesome.

I have never felt so helpless in my entire life.  (That's probably an exageration, but it feels very true right this second.)

And yes...I know how badly I wanted to be pregnant.  I know how much money we spent getting pregnant (trust me...I write the stupid check EVERY month).  I know everyday Blip stays in is better for him.  Well...actually...he's full term, so I'm over that one.  I think that's why I am so stressed about all of this.  He would be just fine to come today.  And that would still put me in bad timing for work and for the shower, but at least I know I would NOT be in the hospital DURING the shower.

There is nothing I can do, but sit around and think about all of this.  I am so tired of not sleeping (OMG yes...I know I will be even more tired when the kid gets here...again- not stupid), peeing all night, snoring, sleeping on my side until it goes numb and I have to switch sides...all night long.  I am tired of my hands and feet falling asleep constantly.  I am tired of taking my stupid blood pressure.  I am tired of having every issue possible, but NOT one of them is THAT bad...yet.

I also learned the fun news that there is a 99% chance my own doctor will NOT be delivering me. Ugh.  I knew if it happened in the middle of the night we'd get the on-call doctor, but I assumed that if it happened during the day we'd get Dr. T. 

Nope.  In that practice, whoever is on-call at your hospital is the one doing the delivering...day or night.  So the very best chance I have for Dr. T delivering Blip is to have the baby THIS Thursday at Banner Estrella...where/when she will be on-call.  She isn't on-call at all next week.

I really love Dr. T, but I guess I was too stupid to ask this question when we switched.  My old OB(s) all delivered their own patients...unless it was after hours.  I thought this place would be the same.  Ugh.  I have heard great things about many doctors at this practice, but I just want my own doctor to deliver me.  This news just added to my bad day.

On top of all that crap- Mike and I can't seem to communicate about any of this.  He doesn't understand my point of view...and I am too tired and too stressed to figure out a better way to communicate it to him.  Maybe tomorrow I will figure out how to explain what I am feeling to him.  Or not.  Who knows.

I guess I am done whining/venting.

**sigh**